A blog about women dealing with men, relationships, dating and all aspects of life from Venus’s point of view.
The Office Workout
Sep 1st
No time for the gym? Try these 21 ways to get fit without leaving your desk!
1. Get a Jennifer Lopez butt
Stand behind your chair: legs together, feet facing forward. Slowly raise your right leg behind you, tightening your buttocks as you do so. Go as high as you can without arching your back, then return to standing. Repeat 12 – 15 times, then change sides. It’s much easier than most bum exercises. Just make sure no-one’s standing behind you.
2. De-stress with cybercats
Keeping a cat is great for reducing blood pressure and de-stressing. Rather than trying to sneak Patch into the office, download a cyberkitty at www.catslikefelix.com – he’ll keep you company sans furballs.
3. Bag yourself Gisele-like boobs
Sitting down, extend your arms in front of you. Bend your right arm and put your right hand in your left-elbow pit and position your left arm so your left hand cups your right elbow. Press your hands into arms, feeling your pectoral muscles tighten. Hold a couple of seconds then release. Repeat 10 times. It’s the pectoral muscles behind your breasts that keep your breasts lifted. Do this exercise regularly and you’ll be amazed at how much more toned they’ll look.”
4. Wave wobbly arms goodbye
Grab a stretchy jumper in your left hand and drop your left hand over your left shoulder and down your back. Bend your right arm up your back and grab the bottom of the jumper. Straighten your left arm so you stretch your jumper – feel the back of your arm tighten as you do so. Hold for a few seconds, then return to the starting position. Repeat 10 times, then change sides. Just don’t try this with your workmate’s new cashmere sweater!
5. Chill out
Forget about sweating it out on the treadmill – popping ice in your glass of mineral water is a great way to burn off the calories. Your body uses more calories when the water you’re drinking is cold because it has to wotk harder to keep your body temperature.
6. Get mystic
Buy a piece of clear or rose quartz for your desk. Placing it near your computer will soak up the stress-causing electromagnetic emissions it gives out.
7. Select your calves
Sit down, take your shoes off and put your fleet flat on the ground, lift your toes and balls of your feet and drop back down as if you’re pedalling a bike. Repeat 10 times. Then, keeping your toes on the ground, lift your heels 10 times.
8. Firm your chin
Place your hands behind your head. Stick your chin out and feel the muscles in the back of your neck tighten. Hold for a couple of seconds, return to start position, then repeat 10 times.
9. Bye bye to flabby thighs
Sit with your legs slightly apart, roll up your coat or a chunky jumper and put it between your thighs. Bring your knees together, squeezing your inner thighs as you do so. Hold for a couple of seconds and release. Repeat 12 – 15 times.
10. Daydream your way to happiness
Get that post-gym high by drifting off for a few minutes. Daydreaming increases immune-boosting chemicals and puts you in a better mood, according to UK scientists. Just make sure you don’t get carried away and end up falling into a long, deep sleep!
11. Eat!
Not only will missing lunch mean you’ll be reaching for a Kit-Kat come 3pm, it’ll also make you more stressed. UK scientists discovered that people who skip lunch are more likely to make mistakes and have a shorter attention span. Avoid the three Ss – sugar, salt and stimulants (tea and coffee) – which will make you feel lethargic. Also avoid bread, which is really hard to digest. Instead, go for a chicken or hummus salad or sushi, which are all packed with nutrients. As tempting as it is to reach for the chocolate, try not to – your blood sugar level will peak and then drop so you’ll feel really tired afterwards. Opt for fruit instead, such as strawberries, which contain more vitamin C than oranges.
12. Drink to your health
Drink fruits and vegetales the minute they’re juiced and you’ll get 9 percent of their nutrients compared to only 35 percent if you eat them raw. So pick some up on your way into work!
13. Waist away
Sitting up straight, put your hands on the back of your chair behind your bum. Gently pull your tummy in, and twist your body to your right so you’re looking over your shoulder. Breathe in, breathe out and try to twist a little bit further. This is a great exercise for loosening up your lower-back, which can suffer when you’ve been slumped at your desk and for toning your oblique muscles, which give your waist definition.
14. Head off hand strain
If you’ve handled your keyboard more than your boyfriend lately, stand up and place your palms on your desk. Press firmly for five seconds, then release. Repeat four times.
15. Boost your orgasms
Sitting in your chair, squeeze your pelvic area as if you’re trying to stop yourself peeing an you’re sucking up water inside yourself. Hold for a couple of seconds, then release. Repeat 10 times. As well as improving the appeareance of your tummy, strengthening this deep layer of abdominal muscles gives you more control during sex and bigger orgasms.
16. Banish that eye-ache
Stop eyestrain (and subsequent headaches) by giving your eyes a mini-workout. Look as far as you can to the right, then to the left. Then look up, then down. Finally, close your eyes, place the palms of your hands over your eyes, resting your fingers on your forehead for a few minutes. This will give your eyes a break from the harsh office light and the heat of your hands will bring blood flow to your eyes, which alleviates tiredness.
17. Have some daily male
Don’t grumble next time your boss makes you organise a parcel of courier – hand it over personally to the courier and you’ll feel the troubles of the day drift away. Why? Men’s sweat contains a pheromone that makes us less tense and nervous, according to research. (Of course, this probably only works if he looks like Brad Pitt or Johnny Depp.)
18. Beautify your biceps
Put your hands palm upwards on the underside of your desk, with your elbows bent at right angles. Push up firmly against the desk, feeling the muscles in your upper arms contract. Hold in this position for three seconds and then release. Repeat 15 times.
19. Energise yourself
Why tire yourself out on the rowing machine when sticking a Peace Lily on your desk can perk you up as well? Not only are they great for filtering and cleansing pollutants in the air, they also increase oxygen, which will make you feel more energetic.
20. Get a model midriff
Forget sit-ups, tone your abs by sucking your bellybutton in towards the base of your spine. Hold for a count of two, then release. Repeat 12 – 15 times. Sit up straight while you do this exercise and you’ll be improving your posture at the same time.
21. R-E-L-A-X
If you’re feeling under the weather, staring out of the window at trees will speed up your recovery, according to research in the US. If stress is the problem and the view from your desk is grey rather than green, draw a green circle on a piece of paper and stare at it. Focus on the dot, concentrate on your breathing and try to slow it down. Try to transport yourself away to a beautiful beach or the countryside. You’ll be amazed at how much calmer and in control you’ll feel afterwards.
How To Talk To A Man
Aug 18th
Stop worrying about the difficulties of sending signals from Venus to Mars – Mars And Venus… Actually hvae the solution to better communication in your relationship.
You’ve heard it a million times – the secret to a good relationship is communication. And it’s totally true; without it a relationship can quickly wither. So how come we haven’t learned to be better at it? Put simply, it’s because men and women communicate in such different ways that we may appear to be speaking foreighn languages sometimes. Tell me everything I don’t know, I hear you cry. Well, let’s get specific about the most common communication problems between the sexes and how to deal with them.
The “thing” Thing
Problem: The most significant of these differences is that women primarily focus on people, whereas men make objects their No. 1 priority. This trait is evident from early childhood and manifests itself in the way men prefer to discuss business, sports, gadgets and how things work. Or, as Dr Ken Druck, author of The Secrets Men Keep, says, “Men are adept at talking about things, rather than their feelings about the things.” Women, on the other hand, communicate mostly about people and their responses, problems, reactions, failings and foibles. Even at work, women are far more likely to e sensitive to how individuals work together, tensions within a work group, or how best to create a smooth workin environment. The shared experience of a conversation is crucial to women, who will often ask questions to maintain the momentum of the interaction, whereas men simply regard questions – and often conversations – as an efficient manner of exchanging information. This is further complicated by the fact that, linguistically speaking, men live in a world of competition where every exchange has a winner and a loser – whereas women collaborate.
Solution: Try to talk about the things he loves, stuff like football and Ferraris. Although it may seem to have the emotional nourishment of a Matt Le Blanc movie, he will feel closer to you for having shared something that he is passionate about. And he should return the favour. Point out that it’s through talking about people and their experiences that you form the strongest bond with them. While “thing” talk is fine, explain that you find it almost impersonal and distancing – as if he’s feeling afraid to reveal his innermost self.
Jekyll And Hide
Problem: You’re at a party and he’s hoggin’ the floor, telling joke after joke. But you get into the car to go home and it’s as if he’s metamorphosed into an mute chauffeur. Not a word. This behaviour relates back to the “things” versus “people” conversation mentality. More specifically, the intimate circumstances of home life or even a car ride are better suited to women’s style of communication. “While women sometimes express to express,” explains relationships Joe Tannenbaum, :men almost always express to resolve. These respective traits cause most damage in times of relationship strife, as many women feel ‘the relationship’ is working as long as we can talk about it.’ Men, on the other hand, are usually more inclined to take the view that ‘the relationship is not working if we have to talk about it’.”
Solution:When you’re alone together, be mindful of engulfing him in conversations about subjects – such as people, emotions and people’s emotions – with which he’s not comfortable. This is not to say these conversations should not take place. After all, you deserve emotional sustenance and he needs training. Try to make sure he understands that you like to talk for the sake of talking because suich an emotional exchange makes you feel closer to him.
A Paler Shade of Grey
Problem: Men live in a world that’s black and white, whereas women inhabit one that’s coloured by a million different shades of grey. Men are on a mission to make a point, they assume that women have the same agenda and become frustrated with what they see as pointless tangents. A case in point: my friend’s colleague has a shocking taste in men. It’s one loser after another. Recently, we met the latest instalment in this cavalcade of mediocrity and I muttered “yet another beauty”. My friend, on the other hand, the head of the Freud squad, was interested in why her colleague kept selecting below-par suitors. Did it make her feel superior? Did it give her an easy out when the heady romance wore off? Was this the kind of man her father was? While I feel this approach does have its merits, these theories – whether prove or unproven – do nothing to alter the reality of the situation. Yet men’s penchant for sticking to facts have dangerous consequences. Especially when communicating with women who read between the lines. “What men find worth telling are facts about such topics as history, sports, politics are how things work,” wrote Deborah Tannen in You Just Don’t Understand. “Women often perceive the telling of facts as lecturing, which not only does NOT carry a meta-message of rapport, but carries instead of a meta-message of condescension: I am the teacher, you are the student. I’m knowledgeable, you’re ignorant.”
Solution: Say what you mean to him and try not to over-analyse what he says to you. Nine times out of 10, he’s being straight down the line, I swear. He, in turn, has to develop patience with your right to analyse what others say and do, as it is your way of understanding the world around you. (Plus, it’s probably far more sophisticated than his blinkered approach). Let him understand that by sharing your analytical revelations with him, you feel more intimate as a couple.
Laying Down The Law
Problem: Historically speaking, men have had the power, the money and the patriarchy to back them up when making demands. Women, however, have had to be more circusmpect and diplomatic about attaning their goals and have been rather unjustly accused of being sneaky and manipulative. But the reverse is true in the private domain: “When trying to negotiate mutual preferences and decisions, women are often more indirect than men,” explains Deborah Tannen. “But when it comes to talking about their personal relationships and feelings, it’s the men who are indirect.”
Solution: Quit saying things like “What would you think if we were to…” or “I’m not sure if this is right but…” or “If it’s ok with you.” If you want to do something, tell him. If you want to say something, say it.
The Word Race
Problem: How many times have you been chatting with a man when you begin to suspect that instead of listening, he’s simply waiting for you to pause for breath so that he can jump in with his point of view? Plenty, I’ll bet. Women tend to be better listeners than men, who often perceive the role of listener as inferior. As a result, they’ll often challenge the speaker, or more specifically, their facts. “Since women tend to build rapport, they’re inclined to play down their expertise rather than display it,” notes Tannen. Women tend to view the roles of talker and listener as equal in the quest to enhance understanding and intimacy. Facts, figures and power plays rarely figures in these talks. Listening is one of the greatest communication challenge within a relationship. Many couples feel that because they’ve been together so long, each knows how the other thinks and feels, without having to listen or ask. “This becomes particularly apparent when they argue,” says Dr Bob Montgomery in Living & Loving Together. “Both are so busy preparing the next verbal salvo inside their heads that neither has the time to listen to what the other has actually said.”
Solution: Since your listening skills are probably more than adequate and his are probably practically non-existent, it would be wiser not to live in hope of re-wiring his brain. Instead of pleading for him to not only listen to you but also indicate that he’s actually comprehending what you’re saying, become proactive and make him hear you. Hone your speaking skills, don’t be afraid to challenge him and it worst comes to worst, give him a taste of his own reticence by cutting down the amount of verbal and non-verbal feedback you gave while he’s spouting forth.
To The Rescue
Problem: The final major communication battleground between the sexes is that of crisis. When women go to their mate with an emotional problem, they seek empathy and understanding. Unfortunately, what they receive are solutions: a plan of action to resolve and therefore negate the dilemma. Not so fast, Einsten. Men fail to understand that women have cottoned only the true healing power of empathy and they like giving it as much as they need to receive it. Most guys also don’t realise that women like to talk a problem out, elaborating details and experiencing an emotional catharsis, which is as important as any conclusion they might reach.
Solution: Point out to your man that although his ready-made problem-solvers to your every emotional problem are appreciated, you’d be far better supported through such crisis if he were aware of the following three responses from Chris Evatt’s He & She:
» She is upset, wants empathy now and advice some other time – maybe even never.
» She is upset, wants empathy now and solutions only after she expresses her feelings.
» She is not upset and wants to discuss a solution to the problem.
Beat Those Negative Thoughts
Aug 4th
You’ve been promoted. He told you he loves you. You got that apartment. Congratulations! There’s just one problem… a niggling little voice in your head that won’t let you enjoy your success. Here’s how to silence those negative thoughts for good.
Life was going well for Jean, She’d been promoted, received a fabulous salary increase, and her incredibly romantic boyfriend proposed by placing a gorgeous diamond ring on top of her dessert at a swanky restaurant – just like in the movies. So why did Jean call her best friend the next day and practically break down on the phone? “I felt so good, so increadibly happy, that I was terrified it would all go wrong. When you really want something badly, it keeps you going. When you get it, you just get scared it’ll all be taken away again,” she explains.
You’re Not Alone
Jean has a very understanding friend who, rather than tell her to grow up and accept her good fortune, agreed and told her, “I know exactly what you’re talking about. You’re suffering from the Big Foot syndrome.” The Big Foot Syndrome, or what I call the “Where d’you think you’re going” syndrome, is when life unexpectedly gets good or simply stops being awful. You start to think, Oh yes, when’s the Big Foot gonna drop on my head and squash me flat? The Big Foot is very clever. It knows when to leave you alone. And it knows when to strike – just as you think your life is turning a corner, bang! Down it comes. You didn’t think you’d get away with any real happiness now, did you? Most people have some degree of self-doubt and question their own worth, especially when success has come to them. There are some arrogant souls who act like they deserve the best and mean it. But nice people – people like you and me – question the randomness of good fortune far more than we question the bad. In a society where hard work is supposed to be its own reward, we expect to earn favours and even when we do, we still question our own worth.But there’s something more insidious to this Big Foot fear: for some women, women like Jean, there’s a message from childhood that says she doesn’t deserve to be happy. So, rather than enjoy the success she worked hard for, she’s full of self-doubt. Taken to the extreme, this can be a self-fulfilling prophecy – you don’t think you deserve happiness, so you work like a demon to ruin it for yourself.
Stop Self-Dout
Fortunately, Jean’s great pal assured her that she was indeed entitled to her success and warned her not to blow it with too much self-anlysis. Carol was not so lucky. The eldest child of three sisters and one younger brother, Carol had always grown up in her younger brother’s shadow. “My parents wanted a boy first, so I was a huge disappointment to them. When the longed-for-boy, Alan, arrived, he was treated like the eldest and received all the favours and accolades a first-born usually does. Then, when my sisters Leanne and Margaret came along, my parents accepted them as girls because they had their boy then.” This might sound like sour grapes but I know Carol well and I know her parents too. The favouritism towards Alan is painfully obvious. You don’t need to be a psychologist to recognise it. Example: when Alan started work, his adoring mother dressed him from head to toe in Armani to ensure the world knew her boy was going to amount to something. A year earlier, when Carol had graduated from university and found a decent job, her mother reluctantly gave her a $0 gift voucher with a grudging “well done”.
Alan has found love, happiness and career success. Carol? Now the other side of 30, she’s never had a relationship that’s lasted more than six months. As soon as a man tells Carol he loves, or even likes her, she does her damnedest to ruin it. Or so it seems. Carol didn’t recognise this until Alan’s wedding last year. Then, like suddenly acquiring vision for the first time, she felt desperately lonely and left out. She pulled her best friend aside – typically Carol had taken a girlfriend to the bash, not a boyfriend – and wept so copiously her friend nearly called an ambulance. Her friend had never seen such heartbreaking distress. “I wanted to smash her smug, self-satisfied parents in the face for making Carol feel so bad,” says her friend. But Alan’s wedding was a huge turning point for Carol. Tired to trying to compete with her younger brother, she dropped out of her well-paid publishing job and opened a New Age centre. Here, she came in contact with therapists for the first time, and realised that rather than helping others, she desperately needed to help yourself. “I know my case is probably a bit extreme but in many ways, that actually makes it easier to ‘cure’, because the messages I got from my childhood were so blatant and cruel,” she says. For Carol, the answer has been to distance her self from her family. That means avoiding traditional get-togethers and keeping all contact to a bare minimum. “There’s no point trying to explain to my mother. Not that I haven’t tried. But I’ve realised now that it’s easier and much less painful not to see her at all.”
Removed from the cause of her low self-esteem, the cloud above Carol has gradually, though not completely, disappeared. When something happens that makes her happy, or she catches herself enjoying a special sunset or simply feeling good, she tried to savour the moment and silence the “it won’t last” voices. “If you can literally live in the moment, rather than worrying about the next one, the fear of everything going wrong is easier to handle,” she advises. These negative thoughts that tell us we don’t deserve happiness or success are not only the voices of our parents or our teachers. They are all around. Psychologist Louise Beech explains: “It’s part of the human make-up to find it easier to be negative about someone or something than positive. No-one knows the reason for this, but it’s why we tend to believe the criticisms and not the praise. An actress will read 58 great notices but cry her heart out over the 59th that is mildly critical. In the same way, we all tend to believe our bad critics over our good.”
Positive Thinking
Even the great and good can be afraid that their happiness will be snatched away from them. Talking about his mid-life crisis, which he explored in The Information, author Martin Amis told an interviewer that although the crisis was over, better times bring their own concerns. “Happiness has a very strong misture of paranoia. Beforehand, when you’re struggling and you have worries, it kind of toughens you up. Makes you resilient. You think, They can’t throw anymore at me now. But when you’re happy, you expect a 747 to land on your head or a building to collapse on top of you. Disaster is around every corner,” said the award-winning novelist. So what to do? If, like most people, you accept the randomness of bad luck, then why not accept the good too? Because fortune is indeed random. We can work hard to win that promotion, plum jo or the kind of social life we’ve always wanted. But no matter how hard you try, luck will always play some part. Sometimes it will go against you, but like tossing a coin, it’s equally likely to go your way.
No-one has only bad luck or good. It’s merely a matter of interpretation. Lottery winners might say, “Why me?”, but why not them? Those who think they go through life experiencing nothing but bad luck simply ignore the times when fortune has favoured them. They color their life black, not because it is, but because that’s how they view it It’s familiar and safe. But even if things have always gone wrong, some people manage to stay optimistic. Take Joan, who as a child, grew used to disappointment. “I can’t remember how many times I was promised something that never happened, like going to the theatre, having an overseas holiday, or indeed any kind of holiday. “None of it ever happened because my parents never had any spare money. But I still manage to look forward to things now, long after the experience should have triumphed over anticipation.” However, the disappoinment when something goes wrong is still crushing. “And when something I’ve always looked forward to does come off, I suffer dreadful anti-climaxes afterwards,” Joan adds. “But that’s the price I am prepared to pay to remain an optimist. Even though w rarely got the treats we were promised, at least our parents had their hearts in the right place. They taught us to look forward to the future. Maybe that’s where I get my optimism from.”
Louise Beech has a theory about this apparent contradiction. “Not all aspects of our personality can be explained by reference to childhood experiences. We still don’t know the whole story on what makes a person’s character. Perhaps some of us are born optimists or maybe we inherit this trait. Psychologists used to think everyone was born with a blank slate onto which their upbringing imprinted their personality. We no longer believe that.” That’s brilliant news because it means we’re not prisoners of the way we’ve been told to be, or what we’ve been told will happen. We can always reinvent ourselves the way we’d rather be. And wouldn’t you rather believe you deserve whatever good fortune comes your way than believe you dont’t?
Get Your Hope Back
As well as taking Carol’s advice about living for the moment, you can send your black clouds of doubt packing by doing some simple self-esteem exercises (see 7 ways To Sink Self-Doubt), because believing “It will all go wrong” is a classic sign of low self-esteem. Everyone is entitled to happiness. If life appears to treat you badly, it’s not because you deserve it or that you’ve done anything wrong to bring it about. Events are haphazard and rarely follow any kind of pattern. A spot of what psychologists call cognitive restructuring – I’ll explain in a minute – can turn such negativity around in a flash. All that fancy expression means is, “see things another way”. Interpret events to suit you. So if your roof falls, your boyfriend leaves you and your boss sacks you, don’t shrug and say, “Serves me rightm I’m a failure, I’m gonna go eat worms.” Restructure it and tell yourself: “So I’m going through a rough patch, but I’ll get through this and it will make me stronger because I’m a survivor.” Then, when things do start to go well – and they will, they always do – accept it wholeheartedly instead of peering at the ceiling, wondering when the roof’s gonna cave in again. I can’t promise you that the roof won’t ever cave in …but why spend your life looking upwards waiting for the world to crash about you? None of us can make the Big Foot vanish forever, but why give it more room in your brain that it deserves?
7 Ways To Sink Self-Doubt
» Keep your birthday and Christmas cards. Whenever life cuts up rough, get them out and remember how much you are liked and valued.
» Each morning, tell your bathroom mirror reflection how wonderful and worthy you are. It might seem silly but it does work. This is what psychologists call “affirmation”.
»Write down at least 10 aspects of yourself that you like or find admirable.
» Join forces with a friend and tell each other how special you are.
» When you need some kind of appraisal, say at work, ask for your good points to be given first.We always hear what is said first more clearly. It’ll take the sting out of any criticisms that may follow.
» Give up dieting and take up exercise instead. It works better and releases endorphins into the system; these are the body’s natural opiates and they’re better than any illegal substitutes.
» Try to find something that you can laugh at, at least 10 times a day.
What Your Best Friend Does In Bed
Jul 22nd
You know her taste in food, fashion and men, but what about her sex life? Admit it, you’ve probably wondered whether her bedroom action sizzles more than yours. So Mars And Venus… Actually decided to find out.
Want to grab everyone’s attention no matter where you are or who you’re with? Talk about sex. It’s the one subject that never fails to fascinate, titillate and intrigue. When Alfred Kinsey published his pioneering report on the sex habits of Americans back in the 1950s, he had no idea what he started. Forty years later, we’re still voraciously devouring every sex statistic we can lay our hands on. And getting a vicarious thrill out of listening to our girlfriends’ revelations about their sex lives after a few glasses of wine on a Friday night. Sex might be commonplace – on our TVs, in papers and magazines, even plastered across billboards along our way to work – but it’ll never be taken for granted. Because sex is powerful. Powerful enough to make kings give up their thrones, married women walk out on their families and the rest of us ditch the nice-but-boring guy-next-door for the bad boy who rides a Harley.
Sensational Sex
Forget being attractive or rich, driving a Porsche, even being thin – the one area we all want to excel in is sex. Because sex is so damn pleasurable. Good sex eats drugs, power – even chocolate! And there are people out there having mind-blowing sex every day of their lives. Is it any wonder what most of us are obsessed with finding out how they do it? In the words of the envious onlooker who watched Meg Ryan faked it in When Harry Met Sally, “I’ll have what she’s having.” There are two types of sex: manufactured sex and real sex. Manufactured sex is what’s dished up on TV, in erotic movies and books. You can get your fill of it just about anywhere, anytime, any place. Real sex is what real people do – and it’s much more of a turn-on because we rarely get to see it. This is why eavesdropping on your neighbours, desperately trying to boost a flagging sex life by having sex on the kitchen table, is so much more interesting than watchig triple X porn.
Sex Gets Real
Says British sexpert Susan Quillam: “Even if we have watched soft-core movies, which attempt to show the real thing, they rarely achieve the actual blend of intense pleasure and intimacy that makes real-life sex so compulsive.” So says sex therapist and clinical psychologist Janet Hall: “There’s a strong drive within us to be the same as everyone else. It’s the need to survive within the pack. It’s easier to survive if we’re like everyone else.”
Sex: What’s normal?
Quilliam believes we all like to measure ourselves against the norm to find our place in the sexual pecking order – particularly at different stages in our lives. What do most of us do if our sex life alters dramatically? Ask our best friend if she’s ever experienced the same. “If our sex life becomes spasmodic, we compare ourselves to ‘Jane’ to see how we’re doing,” says Quilliam. “We may not like the answer, but at least we’ve now placed ourselves in the pecking order.” Another reason we compare: wishful thinking. If our sex life is awful and we suspect it’s got a lot to do with monogamy or age, we want to hear that others out there are still sizzling. If ‘Jane’ is still doing it twice a night then there may still be hope. If she can get it right then maybe, one day, with the right man or the right sex toy, our desire will come flooding back.”
Sex Lies And Tall Tales
Of course, the big question is: will ‘Jane’ tell the truth? Who hasn’t gone home after confessional with “the girls” secretly thinking (or hoping) that the wine let loose imaginations as well as tongues? (And felt guilty for exaggerating ourselves because everyone else’s sex lives sound so interesting…) The trick to telling if someone’s exaggerating or really does have sex with travelling salesman, seems to be how well you know them. According to the experts, we overplay our sexual prowess when we first meet people, out of a desire not to seem inferior. Once we become fast friends, we then overexaggerate how bad things are. “Once the barriers are down and we’re to the point of admitting problems, we can tend to overplay those too because everyone likes to confess,” says Quilliam.
Another dead giveaway of a not-so-hot sex life is silence. “There are two types of women out there,” says Hall. “Those who enjoy sex and those who are still being the good girls. Women who don’t enjoy sex tend to invalidate it and pretend that it’s not important. The ones who get drunk and go into great detail are the ones who are orgasmic. They may be naturally more outrageous anyway – or they may need to get drunk in order to admit that Hey, I enjoy sex. Will you still like me if I say so?” Halls feel strongly that some women who don’t like sex, don’t like – and even pick on – women who do. If the rest of your friends are moaning about hating to give fellatio, it takes a lot of confidence to admit you enjoy it. Never mind if a good sex life is the right of all women and the rest are jealous. No-one enjoys knowing that, the minute her back is turned, someone’s going to say “I knew she was a slut”.
Sex Gets Competitive
The fact is, for a variety of reasons, people tell lies about sex. And anyone looking for truly objective sex advice and information finds that it’s hard to come by. “In the UK,” says Quilliam, “we get our basic information from our parents and occasionally from teachers.” The media, she says, presents an ideal – which we usually find hard to live up to – while friends teach us “how to”: how to kiss, how to flirt, how to make out. The only problem is, our peers tend to suffer from “one-up-personship”. Often they’ll say it was wonderful, when in fact it was awful. Then when we try it and, though embarrassment or lack of knowledge, also find it awful, we think we’re getting it wrong…” While we’re embarrassed to admit to gaping at the couple cuddling in the bar, our enthusiasm knows no bounds when it comes to the sex lives of the rich and famous: we’re positive that the Sharon Stones and Cameron Diazs of the world set the sheets on fire.
“We believe that the image is the reality,” says Quilliam. “In fact, extraordinary sex has to be underpinned by a mixture of emotion, sensitivity, knowledge, imagination and a willingness to learn. There’s no reason why winning an Oscar or being a millionaire makes one any more likely to have these personality traits than being a bus driver.” She’s right, of course. But emotionally, I just can’t imagine Sharon being a dud; or my warm but staid girlfriend Pat bonking on her mum’s washing machine, despite her vivid description. It’s sad but true that even if we do discover what other people do in bed, we don’t believe them anyway.
How Do You Measure Up?
While we’re the first to admit you shouldn’t concern yourself with averages of who does what, where and with whom, we couldn’t resist a peek at the very latest sex stats. Here, compliments of the world’s sex researchers, the facts and figures on men, relationships and all things sexual…
» 75% of men masturbate once a week but only 35% of women join them. Most women masturbate only once a month.
» A study which compared stay-at-home couples with those who party all night long, found those who stayed in had better sex, more often.
»The average penis is 12cm – 15cm long. When American can were asked to estimate the average length, they put it at 25cm; women estimated it at 10cm.
»The official average of 2.5 bonks per week has dropped to less than twice a week. Most Western married or defacto couple have sex just over sex times a month. Men aged 16-24 were the most amorous, clocking up 10 sessions a month. Only women aged 35-44 had sex that often.
» 75% of British women have cheated – and 83% of them aren’t sorry. The Kinsey institute claims 30-40% of married men have affairs, but other researchers claim the figure is much higher.
»56% of Australians have had sex at work – the most popular place is on the boss’ desk.
» 13% of American women aged 18-26 never had an orgasm.
» Most Brits would rather sleep-in, chat with friends or read a good book than have sex. Only one in 10 would bonk more often if they could.
» One-third of German women refuse to have sex after an argument – most “strikes” last three days.
» Toyboys are officially good for you. US doctors found women over 50 with partners more than nine years younger than them were three times less prone to an early death.
»If you want to know how many people your girlfriend’s slept with, multiply what she says by three. English sex expert Dr Colin Francombe claims women only remember significant relationships.
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