Flat abs? Better biceps? That’s just the beginning. Exercise is the best natural fix for life’s problems according to the latest cutting-edge research.

You’ll stay younger, for much longer
Astonishing but true: new research shows that by lifting weights you can actually slow the rate at which your body ages. Researchers discovered that compared with a group of sedentary people, those who strength-trained three times a week had limited damage from free radicals, harmful molecules that have been implicated in the ageing process, heart disease and some cancers. “You don’t have to be in the gym all day. In this study, participants did one set each of 12 exercises, such as leg presses and seated rowing, which took as little as 15 minutes,” says a lead researcher.

You’ll sleep better
Dreamy news for insomniacs: performing some cardio-vascular workout, such as walking or running, for about 30 minutes in the late afternoon will help you get peaceful zzz’s at night, according to researchers at the Respiratory Sciences and Sleep Disorders Centre at the University of Arizona. Exercise, they found, ensures sounder shut-eye by upping oxygen consumption and raising body temperature y a few degrees. That’s enough to lull even a night owl to sleep.

You’ll be a quitter
Smokers who exercise are twice as likely to kick the habit as those who lounge about doing nothing, according to a study published in Archives Of Internal Medicine. Women who did 40 minutes of cardio exercises three times a week also gained half as much weight after quitting. The natural drug effect of exercise – its stress, mood and weight control abilities – helps maintain abstinence from smoking.

You’ll have a healthier pregnancy
Consistent cardio exercise, such as jogging for three hours a week, may cut the odds of miscarriage by 40 percent, say researchers at Columbia University School in New York. While the reason is still unclear, regular exercise may help fend off hormonal changes, cutting the risk of uterine contractions, which cause miscarriages. Rigorous exercise also makes sense for expectant mothers because it limits the chance that you’ll have a low-weight or premature baby or suffer from postpartum depression. Discuss your exercise plan with your doctor.

You’ll hit 100
Workouts will give you some immediate payoffs – say, the right to eat another donut. But they also pay off in the long term, by influencing your longevity. The reason: shapeups help ward off dangerous cholesterol highs, strengthen arteries and can significantly slash your risk of stroke. The amazing stats: 30,000 men and women in Denmark who exercise at least five minutes a week were significantly less likely to die in the following 14 years than their couch-bound counterparts. The landmark study, conducted at the University of Copenhagen, also showed that women benefitted from doing physically demanding jobs – such as cleaning or nursing. These actually seemed to decrease the risk of early death by 10 percent.

You’ll toss out those painkillers
Exercisers swear by a good sweat to ease pain from backaches, cramps and more. Now, new research shows that 25 minutes of biking (or any cardio workout) can dull pain, and that the effect can last up to 30 minutes post-work-out.

You’ll think faster
What’s the best way to be a quick thinker? A study from the University of Illinois showed that just 45 minutes of rapid walking, three days a week can speed up your ability to reason and make decisions. Why? While the brain accounts for only 2 percent of your body weight, it uses a huge 20 percent of the glucose and whopping 23 percent of all the oxygen you take into your body! Exercise improves circulation, and the obviously, the more efficiently your body delivers oxygen, the better nourished your brain cells will be.

You’ll have hot sex
Don’t bother with fancy chemical and mystical herbal sex aids. Studies show that exercise may help you to do it better. Why? A healthier physique can boost a woman’s self-esteem, making her feel sexier. But exercise’s benefits aren’t purely psychological. Physical activity improves circulation and mediates stress hormones – so that your body feels better, even sexier.

You’ll feel happier
A daily 30-minute walk or antidepressant medications – which is more effective at beating depression? Powerful news for sufferers: both work equally well to relieve short as well as long -term symptoms of depression, according to a study from Duke University in North Carolina. Symptoms of depression include sleeplessness, appetite loss and lack of energy. Exercise has a feel better effect because it boosts feel-good chemicals called endorphins and gives people a greater sense of self-confidence. Lowering your pill bill might also bring on a smile.

Why do many of us insist on keeping a friend we no longer – to be honest – really like? Sometimes, you just have to make a break. Here’s when you should and how to do it gracefully.

It was a pretty odd time for someone to be drunk – 6am – but as soon as I heard Cass slurring over the telephone, I knew she’d been at the bottle. Again. She was deliriously drunk and happy; I was at one of my lowest ebbs. My father had just died and I’d been sorting through his things with my family. I told her it wasn’t a good time for me to talk. “What you need is a drink,” she bellowed. I didn’t want to tell her what happened. It was only a week until Christmas and I had no desire to depress her. Besides, had she ever really listened to my troubles? Then she said, “Don’t tell me something terrible has happened. Don’t tell me one of your parents had died. Ugh, I don’t need to hear that now.” Well, she’d guessed what was wrong, but she’d also let me know just what kind of a friend she’d be if I needed solace. I did, of course. But not from her. So I switched my cell phone off and ignored her remorseful SMS messages. I knew if I logged on, my e-mail would be bulging.

What Kind Of Pal…?
This wasn’t the sole reason I decided I no longer wanted her to be my friend. It was simply the culmination of what had been a sham of friendship for years. I could share the good times with Cass, but, hey, please – no misery around her. Why had I kept on seeing her when I knew there were plenty of other women in my life who were much more nicer, warmer, kinder and better friends? Experts says that at the age of 66 she no longer has anyone in her life that she doesn’t want. Sounds fab but how does she do it? “As you get older you realize that you just can’t waste your precious time with people who aren’t pleasant. But it takes a long time to get there.
Well, it’s nice to know that in a few decades, we might be able to tell Cass to get lost. But experts urges us not to wait. Women are raised to put others’ needs before their own, and that includes other women. We feel guilty and selfish if we don’t. It’s the same with relatives. So many women go on seeing people they just don’t like because it’s expected and we think it looks good to other people. A lot of women would rather be good than happy. Which do you want? Harsh words but so true.

It’s all about our precious, precious time. A mature women can shift out the dead wood from her life because she doesn’t know how much longer she’ll be around. But we younger women don’t have the luxury of time either. So much of our time is crammed full of working, sleeping, eating and traveling – there isn’t really a whole lot of time left to spend with the people you care about. So why spend time with people who are hateful or anything less than damn good mates? “Because sometimes you find that a friend has got you in a bind,” says Krissie who has for years been trying to offload a former childhood friend. She says: “My mother says I’ve always attracted ‘lame ducks’. I’m the one who always gets the nut sitting next to me on the bus. That’s how it was with Millie. “We met in elementary school and she clung to me like a leech. When she attempted suicide, I couldn’t just dump her, could I? She has real problems and I do sympathize. But this isn’t a true friendship, is it?”

Chum Convenience
We often become friends through circumstances more than choice. The best example is the work colleague who becomes a pal because you share so much. Then one of you leaves the firm and you realize all you had in common were shared experiences and now they’ve gone, so has the basis for your friendship. A simple test to work out whether a friend is really a friend, or just someone you see out of duty. Does she always ring you? How do you feel when you hear her voice on the phone? If your heart sinks or you don’t pick up when you see her number on ID caller, it’s time to reassess. Think about what you don’t like about her. Maybe one of you has changed, but the friendship hasn’t. Friendship need to move on, as much as people do. You could also find yourself gradually facing the fact that this so-called friend of yours has actually spent the entire relationship subtly putting you down. Now, with a bit more confidence and self-assurance, you may well think it’s time for you to say “enough”.

Of course it’s never easy to tell someone that you think they’re using you, or just that you find them boring. So most of us just let the friendship tail off, we don’t return calls, we make sure we’re always busy. Eventually, she gets it. Few of us front-up about it, unless of course there’s been a fight. Jenni loved putting Christine down whenever they were with other friends. So why did Christine put up with it so long when her other friends couldn’t stand Jenni? Christine knows why Jenni behaves like that: she’s insecure and nervous in crowds. So she gets drunk and goes over the top. But she can be really sweet and Christine is basically the only friend Jenni has. They say you’re stuck with your family but you can choose your friends. Sometimes though, you can feel just as stuck with friends. I’d find it very hard to drop Jenni and, yes, Christine have tried confronting her over the way she belittles her – but all she does is cry, promise never to do it again and then does. What can Christine do?

Making The Break
Sometimes an open fight or frank discussion will change a friendship that isn’t going well. But in many cases, as with Christine and Jenni, your friend feels attacked and just defends herself. If you have the kind of friend who just says, ‘I’m perfect, leave me alone’ then all the frank talk in the world can’t change a thing. So the only thing might be to withdraw. It’s worth trying to change it… but if you can’t, do you really have the energy and time for a friendship that doesn’t do it for you? Long-term friendships are what make life worth living. And the longer you know people, the more you’ve shared together, the greater the understanding. You even speak in a kind of shorthand that both of you understand. That’s the kind of friendship worth having. Why have any other?

Why indeed. This is why it’s common for women in their 20s to start weeding people out of their lives and sifting out is healthy. You may find yourself in a friendship that’s no longer functional so you have to get out of it. It’s unrealistic to think that all the friends we ever make can last forever, because they can’t – nor should they. Friendships change because we change, leaving to let go is important. We all tend to have transitional people in our lives, people who’re there for us at a specific time and help us move from one stage to another. But it’s usually mutual and beneficial for both parties to move on. It’s unhealthy not to let people go. If you cling onto old friends, no matter what, you’re probably a bit insecure. This is usually rooted in a fear of abandonment, which goes back to early childhood. If you think that’s why you hang onto all friendships, even bad ones, it might help for you to work out why you fear losing people. Professional counseling can be a help, but for most women, all that’s needed is a good, emotional stock-take. Just realizing what’s going on may be enough to help you make the break.

Time To Let Go
Why hang onto all the flotsam and jetsam that attaches itself to you? There’s nothing wrong with being selective. Listen to your feelings: if they’re telling you that a friend has not only outlived her role in your life, but she’s actively taking energy and emotion from you, it’s time to let her go. However, it’s much harder for some women to be assertive in personal relationships than in, say, a restaurant. He says letting things drift may be crueler than telling someone straight out. It’s easier just to be unavailable but the problem is that you’re not giving someone a clear message; wouldn’t that be kinder? After all, if this so-called friend were a boyfriend, you’d soon get rid of him, wouldn’t you? Sure, it’s much harder with our girl friends because they’ve usually seen us through so many painful, experiences with and without men. Yet this is precisely why friendships are too important to throw away on someone who isn’t worthy. We often make bad friendships at a time when we’re not very sure of ourselves: new job, new man, starting at university. But once you become a bit more self-assured, and know what you want from life, there really is no need to hang onto someone who isn’t really there for you/

And if telling a bloke who’s been a real bastard to get lost can boost your confidence, there’s nothing quite like saying a final goodbye to a cruel friend, as Christine discovered: “It’s not as if I hadn’t warned Jenni that I didn’t like the way she kept putting me down. So I just said to her one night, enough is enough. I didn’t want her around anymore. I felt guilty at first as she switched on the inevitable tears but then I was angry. I realized she was just manipulating me. Always had been. Once I stood back and saw this ‘friendship’ for what it really was, I no longer felt emotionally bound to her. It was such a relief. I feel ready for anything.” And so can you, if you let that unworthy friend go. I’m telling Cass tonight…

How To Ditch A Bitch

» Tell her that you’ve been promoted so you will have very little time for any friends for the next six weeks/month/years.

» Say you’re too preoccupied with your own problems to be a decent friend to anyone.

» Explain that you want a six-month break from her because your friendship is so intense, it’s taking too much out of you.

» Confess that you don’t think that you’ve been able to be a good friend to her and you want her to find someone else to befriend her.

» Tell her straight that you don’t think the friendship is working out, but stress that it’s no-one’s fault. It’s just one of those things.

» Gradually withdraw, don’t answer her calls and don’t initiate any contact. She’ll assume that you’ve just drifted apart. If she’s still too thick-skinned, change your number.

» Decline every invitation she extends to you, no matter how entertaining it is.

» Be honest and kind: say that you feel you’ve grown apart and that you could both find better friendships elsewhere.

Ever wondered why you’d sell your mother for a Mars bar, while your best friend would rather scoff Big Macs? Well, it turns out our food weaknesses are governed by our star signs. But there is a way to beat your cosmic cravings.

Aries: March 22 – April 20
You’re always on the go, so you tend to grab any greasy snack you can find! It’s not that you have a fatty-food fetish, but french fries make such a convenient fuel when you want to keep your energy level up as you run around. Since you find cooking boring – why slave over a hot stove when you could be out having fun? – you need to take the time to plan your meals ahead, experiment and try popping a healthy snack in your groovy bag to beat those hunger pangs.

Cosmic cravings: Strong-tasking foods such as sinfully rich curries and disgustingly gorgeous deep-fried chicken.

Healthy Alternatives: Appeal to your fashion-conscious nature by snacking on stylish foods – lots of Zen-style stuff like sushi with pickled ginger and tofu burgers with chili sauce.

Eat More: Cooling foods such as melon, cucumber and salad. Also, stock up on carbohydrates such as pasta and rice for extra energy while you’re racing around town.

Taurus: April 21 – May 21
You love luxury, which means indulging yourself with the best comfort food money can buy. Unfortunately, that means you often struggle with those extra pounds. Your ruling planet is Venus, who is also the ruler of honey – so you have a sweet tooth, too. When you suspect an attack of misery (and therefore a binge) is coming on, get out, make a point of eating with others and copy what that health freak is doing!

Cosmic cravings: Comfort foods like cakes, biscuits, chocolates and creamy sauces.

Healthy alternatives: Trick that sweet tooth with low-fat chocolate drinks, low-fat milks and luxuriously sweet fruits.

Eat more: Fiber and energizing foods such as broccoli and mangoes.

Gemini: May 22 – June 22
You have loads of get up and go, and your naturally high stress levels usually keep you slim! For you, food has to be interesting and you are drawn to contrast in flavors, but as you’re impatient, you can be a total fast-food junkie. You’re a people person – to really enjoy cooking, your kitchen needs to be packed full of friends! Never shop when hungry; better still, with your natural talent for computers, log on and go for home shopping (and delivery) instead.

Cosmic cravings: Loads of sweets, crisps and chips.

Healthy alternatives: Pack dried fruit and low-fat crackers into your handbag for low-fat, healthy snacking.

Eat more: Fresh fruits and salads.

Cancer: June 23 – July 23
As the material moon rules your sign, you love taking care of others, and that includes feeding them with wholesome-but-yummy dishes, which you’ll happily pick at when cooking! You love cream, but your body finds it hard to digest, so you should buy low-fat dairy products – especially sweet yoghurts for a quick dessert. You have a weakness for fine wine (which has loads of hidden calories) so try to keep it down to one glass a night.

Cosmic cravings: Anything creamy, as well as indulgent munchies such as fried fritters.

Healthy alternatives: Fat-free yoghurt with honey and low-fat soya substitutes will give you that creamy fix, without all the calories and fats.

Eat more: Citrus fruits, green leafy vegetables.

Leo: July 24 – August 23
You don’t have the patience or inclination to spend hours cooking, but you love going to glamorous restaurants – for you, food is yet another reason to celebrate. Eating until you’re ready to burst is probably one of your biggest downfalls, but pigging out – then skipping meals – isn’t the path to good health. Try to eat smaller meals more often to keep your energy levels even and the calories down.

Cosmic cravings: Fried food, luxurious desserts and anything that looks good.

Healthy alternatives: Choose stir-fries over deep-fried foods, slurp on steamboats, and make your own glamorous desserts with tropical fruits.

Eat more: Strawberries and root vegetables.

Virgo: August 24 – September 23
You’re health conscious, but when stress hits, you often find it difficult to eat and your digestive system becomes sensitive. Your diet obsession means you can sometimes be a little too strict and sometimes a naughty treat would give you the buzz you need. Also, avoid fad dieting and cutting out whole food groups – you’ll just stress yourself out more over that. Do your research and supplement your diet with multi-vitamins.

Cosmic cravings: Cheese snacks and high-energy drinks that are often full of sugar.

healthy alternatives: Skip the sports drinks for water or fresh fruit juices; and try low-fat cheese.

Eat more: Foods rich in vitamin B, such as dark green leafy vegetables.

Libra: September 24 – October 24
Your indecisiveness can make cooking a tricky business – you’ll often give up almost before you turn on the stove! But you love good food and getting anyone to cook for you brings a sense of excitement, especially if you know you’re in for a luxurious and stylish feast. To resist bingeing on comfort foods, stock up on quick but healthy alternatives and don’t even buy those biscuits in the first place!

Cosmic cravings: Cheesecake, chocolate and exotic sauces.

Healthy alternatives: Exotic doesn’t have to mean sugar-filled; try snacking on low-fat frozen yoghurts, fruit, yoghurt with honey or pureed fruit.

Eat more: Cereals and other fiber sources.

Scorpio: October 25 – November 22
Being ruled by transforming Pluto, your food needs to be full of variety and taste. For you, eating just isn’t about fuelling your body – it’s a chance to indulge yet another one of your senses. However, sometimes you fall into the trap of being erratic about your eating habits without even realizing what you’re doing, so keep an eye on your eating patterns. Regular meals will nurture and give you a sense of well-being – don’t underestimate your needs.

Cosmic cravings: Chocolate, rich desserts, strong flavors, rich dishes with peppers, cream and wine.

Healthy alternatives: Indulge your sensual side with low-fat aphrodisiacs such as oysters and strawberries.

Eat more: Raw fruit, cereals (rather than fried noodles for breakfast), and drink more water to flush out your system.

Sagittarius: November 23 – December 22
You often treat food as a refueling pit stop, gulping on the go. You’re social, but fancy restaurants don’t do it for you, you’d rather share a burger or hot dog with friends at the park or an outdoors event. You need to slow down and realize what you’re eating. Foods with interesting herbs and spices will appeal, if you just take some time out to taste them properly!

Cosmic cravings: Greasy pizzas and rich oriental sauces.

Healthy alternatives: Make your own pizza instead, with low-fat cheese, and skip the coconut milk-based curries in flavor of nice veggie stir-fries.

Eat more: Vegetables and carbohydrates – especially brown rice – for sustenance.

Capricorn: December 23 – January 20
You’re so practical and busy that you don’t often fuss about food. But you have a soft spot for familiar foods – traditional family recipes that you enjoyed as a child are often favorites. While you rarely put on weight, it doesn’t necessarily follow that you’re a healthy eater! Those family favorites are often dripping with oil. Always buy the best cuts of meat and never skimp on lots of healthy vegetables.

Cosmic cravings: Chips, fried rice, rich sauces and creamy desserts.

Healthy alternatives: Little changes make a big difference – eat those family favorites with steamed rice instead, and choose vinegar dressing for your salads.

Eat more: Salads, raw vegetables, healthy carbohydrates, and make time to enjoy!

Aquarius: January 21 – February 19
One day you’ll e preaching about food additives and genetically modified food and the next, grabbing a fast food burger! But the human body is sensitive and doesn’t like having fat and gristle pumped into it after being “clean” for so long. Balance your diet and think about how you’re mixing your foods. Stock up on basics like tinned fish, frozen veggies, noodles and rice for fast nutritious meals (though watch that starch!)

Cosmic cravings: Ice-cream, sticky desserts, starch.

Healthy alternatives: Foods that are packed with flavor as well as nutrients, such as frozen yoghurt, pureed and frozen fruit, and experiment with pulses.

Eat more: Fruit and fish.

Pisces: February 20 – March 21
Being an emotional sign, when stress hits, the weight tends to pile on. However, you can also forget about basics of eating! This see-saw confuses your body, making it hard to build up fitness or lose weight. Bring your eating habits into line and start your day well, with a good breakfast; also, eating smaller meals more often will stop your binge/starving tendencies. You enjoy the romance of eating with other people – particularly friends – but usually find cooking boring. Try a vegetarian restaurant instead of a pizza parlor.

Cosmic cravings: Vodka Red Bulls, avocados, wine.

Healthy alternatives: White wine spritzers, gin and tonic, fruit drinks and salads (hold the salad cream).

Eat more: Fiber and drink more water.

People talk about getting in touch with their inner child, but what about releasing your inner man? Take your cue from male behavior and put yourself first… for a change. Trust us, you’ll love it!

It was at my niece’s birthday party that I discovered how useful it is to “play it like a man”. We watching the happily screaming kids, and their party food was laid out for them, while we adults were due to eat our “grown-up” meal a couple of hours later. I was starving. I could have eaten a whole child, with or without sauce. What to do? Sneak away to the cafe and order a quick sandwich? Carry on starving stoically? See if anyone else was hungry too, take orders from them and nip down to the nearest hawker stall?

In a guy’s shoes
“What would a guy do?” I asked myself. I knew the answer: forget the rest of them, forget etiquette. I’d been up since the crack of dawn on a Sunday morning to help my sister prepare this party, skipped breakfast and missed lunch. So I simply walked to a nearby cafe, ordered a sandwich, came back and ate it. No explanation. No “Oh I’m so sorry to eat in front of you all, it’s just that…” Didn’t bother with any of it. It wasn’t a crime. Why should I explain? All I did was put my needs first. Further, I didn’t explain myself nor hope that everyone still loved me despite my refusal to self-sacrifice, to think of others, to empathize, assume some of them might be hungry too. And this is how women are conditioned to act. Even if we’re the main earners in our families, most of us are either expected to, or take on, an additional caring role. We may do the same job as men now, but we’ve kept the essentially “female” roles too. Don’t you ever find it truly exhausting?

If we’re to occupy the same place as men in the workplace, or at least strive to, shouldn’t we also have some of their privileges? The best one being the right, occasionally, to put yourself first? To think of your own needs and not bother charging around, trying to please others all the time? Of course this can sound dangerously self-centered. But there’s a Chinese proverb too, isn’t there? If I am not for me, who will be? Men find this much easier to adhere to, I think, than women. We’re taught to please, and we’re afraid to court disapproval; terrified of being too selfish. It makes some kind of sense too because we do bear children – so perhaps some of this need to nurture others is innate. But most of us are way off bearing children, so there’s no need to constantly put others first in the way that we’ll have no choice but to do once we have given birth. Why not take advantage of our childfree state while we can? Why not take a cue from men?

Feel guilty? Naah!
“It’s like asking a man if he feels guilty for eating too much chocolate or drinking too many beers on a night out,” says my friend Lil. “They look at your like you’re crazy or something. What? Me, a man feel guilty? What on earth for?” In fact, time spent in male company can be quite a tonic after too many girlie nights moaning about the size of your thighs (yawn) the number of calories consumed (even bigger yawn) and whether he loves you or not (zzzzzz). Lil again: “Men just don’t angst like this. They are far more straightforward in their dealings with their bellies and their wallets. “Okay, maybe they worry a bit about someone they really like and whether she likes them too, and should they make a move now or leave it because she might think they’re a bit too keen… That sort of thing. But they wouldn’t dream of beating themselves up the way we women do for eating too much or drinking too much.”

Men put themselves first because they’re allowed to. Not all men are raised by male-worshipping mothers who teach them to expect the best because they deserve it. But many are. And if you have brothers, you’ll know how infuriating it can be that you can do three hours of household chores a day that don’t even get noticed, but he only has to offer to wash up once in a blue moon to be showered with gratitude. It’s like the story of the brother and sister, both busy executives who have moved away from home. The woman visits her parents every weekend, carries out chores for them, bring gifts, is in every way the dutiful daughter? The man comes home for the odd holiday, doesn’t do a chore, doesn’t offer any financial help and forgets to bring a gift. His mother is always overjoyed to see him but thinks her daughter an ungrateful, selfish child who only visits once a week. No wonder man rarely feel guilt and find it easy to put themselves first. They’ve been trained to be No. 1 in their world from day one.

Too much empathy
Why should we women act that way sometimes, too? One gift we females tend to have over the boys is empathy. We can feel our way into someone else’s soul. We’ve frequently been taught to think of others first, to imagine how they feel, so why not turn these lessons to our advantage for a change? Let’s say they’re looking for volunteers at work, to put in a few extra hours on the weekend because there’s a big audit due and it’ll really help the company. You’re planning to move. This is a going-nowhere company and you’ve already had offers. There is nothing to gain from working over. It might make you feel good to do a good deed but this is work we’re talking about. The cut-throat world of commerce, not a friend or family member who needs you. As a woman, the appeal would undoubtedly be directed straight at your heart. It’s hard to refuse. Why not duck and let that arrow miss your heart and hit your head instead? Look at it with cold logic. What’s in it for you?

“It sounds so selfish to put yourself like this but it’s what men do, isn’t it?” says Janice, a fellow friend. “And it doesn’t seem to fo their careers any harm.” Janice is tired of watching the men skive as much as they can at work, ducking the difficult tasks, while taking praise for ideas not their own. “Women will work far harder than they need and waste much time trying to please people – instead of just getting on with the job,” adds Janice.

Feminizing men
Men are frequently exhorted to act more like women. We’re told that the world of work is becoming more feminized, what with the “knowledge-based” industries like IT booming. Men must get in touch with their softer sides if they’re to succeed, goes the mantra. Otherwise, they’ll be left behind. Hello? I haven’t noticed the world suddenly becoming woman-shaped and orientated, have you? Yes, men could use a few softer skills, the so-called feminine traits. But why should they? If they’ve nothing to gain from it, believe me, they won’t bother. They’ll still prefer beer-and-leer nights to sweet talk’n'empathy. They won’t become more like us unless they perceive a reason to. And the only time they might be is when they want to get close to a woman. Then they cheerfully admit they’ll “play the game” as Thomas candidly told me one night.

“Look, all men know the score: you have to do the touchy feely stuff, and I don’t mean physically, unfortunately. Girls like talking and they like you to listen. But to be honest, this is going somewhere really special. I only pretend to be a sweet sensitive guy. I’m there for what I can get, I see no reason why women shouldn’t act the same sometimes?” Some men claim we do just that. We pretend to care because we want the diamonds and furs some guys will shower on us. But that’s not taking it like a man. Taking it like a man, rather than a gold-digging hussy is being straight, up-front and honest. “I wish women would be more like men,” adds Thomas. “It’d sure make life easier if a girl would tell you straight-up whether she was interested or not. Or even when doing something simple, like trying to choose a film to watch together. I hate it when girls say, ‘I don’t mind. You choose.’ You should mind. You should have an opinion. And chances are, you do. Why not come out and say it?”

Say it like a man
Being a man does not mean stomping over everyone else. It just means using your feminine nous to know there are times when saying straight out what you think or want, is far better than namy-pambying around. So the next time your boss calls you for an appraisal ask yourself, “How would a man handle this?” If you’re asked to do more than your share at work or at home, think: “Would they ask this if I were a man?” Getting in touch with the inner male warrior inside us all is an excellent way to refuse to be treated like second-class citizens just because we happened to be born with a different set of chromosomes to the guys. Men aren’t perfect but nor are they the enemy. We can learn from their straight-talking ways. So if you’re ever in a bit of a fix and can’t think of a way to deal with it, take a breath and think “man”. It might just give you the answer your crave.

How To Do It Like A Man
You’re asked to work late with no notice, and you have plans for that night.
A woman’s way: Reluctantly agree and cancel your carefully laid plans. Moan ceaselessly or mutter under your breath about “inconsiderate people”.

A man’s way: Say you have plans for that night so no, just can’t do it. No more explanation offered. No great, crowd-moving speeches. Just a simple statement of fact: “Sorry, I can’t. I have plans.”

Your mother asks you to clean the house for the fifth time this week. You think that you’re already doing more than your share.
A woman’s way: Complain, have a go at the homework, say it’s not fair, and why doesn’t everyone else do their share, look how much I’ve already done.

A man’s way: Point out you’ve done plenty already and refuse. No more explanation. To the point. And repeat it, if necessarily, to show you mean it.

You need to take a faulty item back to the store. You know that you have rights but you’re not in the mood for any kind of fight.
A woman’s way: You stutter and practically apologize to the sales person or manager because they sold you something that doesn’t work.

A man’s way: You point out that the goods are faulty, have your receipt to hand and demand a full refund. You refuse to leave the shop till you have it. Employ the stuck CD method where you keep saying what you want over and over again, until you get it.

Your love partner seems to be cooling towards you. You want to know where you stand but all attempts to sort this prove futile. He simply says, “Everything’s fine.”
A woman’s way: You assume it’s all your fault. You must have done something wrong. You jump through fire-rimmed hoops, do whatever it takes, to try and please this person and win back the affection you know they once felt for you.

A man’s way: You produce the evidence. You point out this person has been “out” several times recently when you called and appears to show little interest. You want to know, one way or another, is this still a going concern or not? (If the answer is not, you walk away head held high, then bawl your eyes out when no-one else can see.)

A friend owes you money. You’re flat broke and need it back. Your friend shows no signs of repaying, despite frequent hints, but clearly could afford to repay.
A woman’s way: You go on and on about how broke you are. You ask ever-so-nicely if they could repay the loan and then meekly accept it when they say that they can’t… yet, somehow, have funds for a $800 new dress.

A man’s way: You say you want the money back and you want it now. You add the threat that if they don’t repay, you go to their parents or employers for that sum. And you never call this person a friend again.

How come all your friends seem to be meeting Mr. Forever and you’re stuck with Mr. Maybe? Could be you’re breaking one of these five relationship sins.

“It’s not you. It’s me.”
“I’ve met someone else.”
“It’s getting too serious.”
“I don’t love you anymore.”

Those are the top excuses he’ll give for leaving, as sung by that commitment-phobic bastard formerly known as The One. It was hearing those painful phrases over and over that made me curious as to why some men cannot commit and others don’t. For most of us, it’s the same old story. You meet, you date, you introduce him to your parents. In the beginning he goes out of his way to make you like him – he laughs at your jokes and “blames the dog” for you. For 18 months it isn’t exactly Brad and Jennifer but it’s not Tommy and Pammy, either. Then, one fateful day, a friend gets engaged and you decide it’s time for “the talk”. Will he commit or won’t he? Well, go back to the list of excuses above and circle the pathetic reasons he gave. It hurts, of course, because you couldn’t understand why. You know plenty of women in long-lasting, loving relationships, so what’s their secret? Why won’t it happen for you? Chances are, if you’ve been breaking even one of the five relationship rules listed here, you’ll have found your answer.

The 1st commandment:

Thou shalt retain thy independence

Men love independence women – the type of girl who can fend for herself, spend nights alone or with friends (without him), and not have to rely on him for everything. He wants to know that, if he ever did have to leave (heaven forbid), you’d be able to get along without him. After all, one of the first things that turned his head in your direction was that wily mind of your own. Remember when your opinion was your own, and his opinion was his? He doesn’t want to make love to, or live with a carbon copy of himself. Especially if you were two different peas in very different pods in the beginning. Oh, and there’s something else. Does he manage your bank account, decide where you go on weekends and what videos you watch? If you leave everything up to him, he’ll get bored of being your personal assistance and move on. As a 25-year-old man who wishes to remain anonymous puts it: “I want someone who can keep me on my toes. Which means she’d have her bags packed and be out the door within half an hour if I started expecting that everything would go my way or if I took too much for granted.”

Spontaneity is a huge plus in any relationship. Keeping your relationship new and fresh will keep him coming back for more. Don’t be at his beck-and-call. If he rings you on a Friday night and you’ve already arranged cocktails with the girls, keep your plans. You can always spend the rest of the weekend in his arms. Sure, a guy needs to know you’re into him, for the relationship to work but if he thinks he’s the only person in your address book, he’ll start to wonder why. Think about the couples that you love and endure. The most stand-out thing about any good relationship is that both people in them have strong identities of their own. Men want a girlfriend who won’t lose her sense of self, her ambitions, her desires and her values simply because she fell in love. She won’t be dominated, controlled or relegated to second place to keep someone else happy. And she knows that giving up her identity is the quickest way to make her man lose interest!

Warning: Don’t swing between ice-princess and a roll of cling film just to keep him interested. No-one likes a game-player and if your man doesn’t feel some genuine emotion in those come-here-go-away vibes, you’ll be left waiting for the phone to ring for a very long time.

The 2nd commandment:

Thou shalt keep him guessing and guessing

Men get restless if you deal them the same cards day in, day out. If he can guess your response to any situation, you’ll both sink into a rut any sane person would want to escape from. Think about it: how does your man react when he gets the same aftershave from grandma every Christmas? Sure, he might not ask to be written out of her will, but she’s family – he doesn’t have to put up with the “same old thing” from you. If your relationship is predictable, you can bet the outcome will be as well. If you are spontaneous and carefree, you’ll both have a wonderful time. By proving you are an unpredictable, caring, beautiful person, you’ll earn your boyfriend’s love and respect. When it comes to our relationships with men, we often focus on our physical stimulation, expecting good sex to be enough to make our men love us forever.

But men can get sex anywhere; what they can’t get is a woman who respects them enough to care about their happiness. The brain is the largest sex organ of all. We need to learn how to satisfy each other mentally; to arouse each other’s curiosity to tap into our partner’s sense of adventure. Of course, sex is important, too, but it’s just as important to know how to blow his mind, as his.. well, you get the picture. A relationship needs change to keep it hot. Don’t be afraid to try new things. You wouldn’t want you guy to have the same silly beard and moustache for years, now, would you? Go to the football match with him, take him out to dinner once in a while. Surprise him, keep him guessing. Broaden your horizons and he’ll be there with you for the entire journey.

Warning: Be interesting and surprising, not shocking and disturbing. Showing up at his workplace dressed as his favorite porn starlet may be taking things too far.

The 3rd commandment:

Thou shalt let him come to his own conclusions

You’ve been together for an all time personal record and you know him so well, you could easily speak on his behalf. In fact, you do. Someone asks if you’ve seen the latest movie. You say: “We loved that!” A friend sees you guy eyeing a pretty waitress: “Oh, he wouldn’t do that. He doesn’t find tall girls attractive.” Someone asks what your boyfriend would think of you flirting with a male colleague. Your response: “Oh, he wouldn’t mind.” You’ve planned the future as one half of an “us” for a while now, and you think he feels the same – about everything. You assume his tastes are a perfect match for your own. You’ve instilled your man with a taste for culture (“We love going to the theatre!” and weaned him off the footy (“Oh, no, we’d hate to sit at home all day watching TV.”) Then, out of the blue, the man who never found fault with your cooking/driving/taste in music, puts your mother to shame with his ability to pick you apart. Mr.-Agrees-With-Everything-You-Do is now Mr. Au Contraire. If, all of a sudden, he’s become the personification of everything you hate in a man – a heavy-metal listening, women-hating, tracksuit-wearing, pub-after-work, fart-out-loud kind of guy – ask yourself why. How, in the space of mere months, could Mr. Perfect have turned into a disagreeable stick-in-the-mud?

Perhaps it’s because you’re taking credit for everything he does or says. Does this list of oft-said girlfriendisms sound familiar? “You should have seen how he dressed before he met me!”; “We both love anything with Gwyneth Paltrow in it…”; “Oh, I cut his hair for him..”; “He doesn’t like going anywhere without me.” If so, it’s time to back off, baby. Give the guy a break. He’s allowed to have his own tastes, interests and feelings. He’s even allowed to flirt occasionally. If he’s griping about the relationship, complaining about commitment and whining about his freedom, it’s probably because he feels suffocated by you. And the only sure way to get him to come around is to give him some breathing space to be himself. Don’t force the issue. Take a deep breath and step aside. If he sees that you are respectful of his boundaries, he’ll loosen up and feel like he can agree with you on certain things again, while maintaining his own views on others. Which means, when he says, “I hate anchovies on pizza,” you can say, “Oh, okay. we’ll just get them on my half, then.” And you’ll both be happier for it.

Warning: If you really let him be himself, you’ll probably find the house infested with beer-guzzling mates on days football is on (a good time to hit the shops?). And you may have to feign amusement at the occasional fart joke.

The 4th commandment:

Thou shalt keep the faith

Here’s a late-breaking news item: men want the same things women want from a relationship. They may act like they reside on the fourth rock from the sun, but if you believe you’re the only one who wants love, peace and commitment, he’ll think you’re not interested in what he wants, thinks or feels. Don’t subscribe to that “gender-specific traits” argument. If you go into a relationship believing men are programmed to cheat, you’ll never trust him – and he’ll know it. If you can’t trust him, he’ll wonder why you’re with him in the first place, which will make him think you want to “change” him, a definite turn-off. Like us, guys want to be accepted for who they are.

Couples with successful relationships have managed to negotiate the minefield of infatuation, pursuit, seduction and conquest to finally establish a loyal, committed partnership. And the only way you can do that is via your parents’ favorite word: compromise. It’s all about appreciating each other as friends, as well as lovers, and respecting that you each have the right to be happy. Unfortunately, we don’t always agree on what will be best for us as a couple, so you sometimes have to bite your tongue and let your man have his way, or vice versa, for the ultimate good of the relationship. Most “happy couples” find peace through trial-and-error, but you may be able to hurry things along if you stop seeing him as the enemy and appreciate that you might just have different ways of reaching the same end result. If you encourage each other with genuine love and support, it should be plain sailing.

Warning: To know what you both want, you need to talk. But be careful: you may hear a few nasty home truths. If you want “two kids, one of each” and he wants to remain rug-rat free forever, you’ll have to admit he isn’t the man of your dreams, after all.

The 5th commandment:

Thou shalt not expect too much of him

So he doesn’t buy you flowers every day. He forgot to tell you he loves you this morning. He doesn’t remember the anniversary of the day you first met. Lighten up: if you hadn’t written down the exact time and date of your first kiss, you wouldn’t remember, either. The old gender-difference argument actually does ring true once in a while, and that time is now. Women put great importance on what time of the day the sun first shone on the broad, naked shoulders of their sexy new beau – but men generally couldn’t care less. The important thing to your guy is that you are with him at all. You know all those times when you asked your boyfriend, “Do you love me?” and he answered, “I’m here, aren’t I?”… well, think about that for a minute. It may just be the simple, honest truth. Single male life is a beautiful thing, full of football, beer, buddies and casual dating. Why would he forego all of that if you meant nothing to him? Trust him, give him a chance to show his appreciation of you in his own way, and you might find you have nothing to complain about.

Warning: Don’t give him too much rope, or he might hang himself. All that lack of caring may actually be just that – maybe he doesn’t give two hoots if you stay or go. But, deep down, you’ll know the answer to that yourself, anyway. Bottom line is, there’s a difference between forgetting the occasional anniversary and not celebrating your birthday year after year. If he constantly makes you feel bad about yourself, leave.

The Wrong Reasons Men Stay

These two men will say with you no matter what, Unfortunately, you won’t want them to.

The settle-for-second-best guy:
After spending several years at the international buffet of womanhood, some guys get heatburn and decide to stick with what they know best. Yes, now and then, men get tired of chasing – it’s just too much hard work (so to speak) – and come to the conclusion that the girlfriend they’re with now (you) is probably just as good as anyone they’re likely to meet. Avoid these men at all costs. You don’t want to spend the rest of your life with someone who sees you as anything less than the best. He’ll say things like “I don’t believe in love”, only to reveal later, that he does – with another woman.

The if-I-wanted-to-work-I’d-be-doing-paid-overtime guy:
Some men think the right relationship is one that doesn’t require any work. He wouldn’t dream of buying a car, then not filling it with petrol, but this same guy will believe that it’s possible to be the perfect couple without any effort. Which means he’s quite content in the honeymoon phase of a relationship; but he’s out the door the first time you disagree about whether tax is a good or bad thing. Don’t fall for it. You’ve got better things to do than tip-toe around someone who’ll ditch you the first time you put a foot wrong.

Hands up those who had themselves measured the last time they bought a bra! If you did, give yourself a pat on your back. Many women make the mistake of buying lingerie that’s too small, which is not only uncomfortable but can cause breathing difficulties. A woman’s figure is constantly changing, and by measuring herself every time she buys lingerie, she can be sure of buying the right size and type. When correctly fitted, lingerie should:

» support your body

» flatter your figure

» buffer your body from heat and cold

» help protect your clothes

Buying lingerie isn’t something that should be rushed, simply because you need time to try out several different styles before deciding what is best for you. The first step is to get a trained expert to take your measurements whenever you buy a bra. All lingerie outlets should have someone who is trained to take your measurements. A woman’s body is distorted when she measures herself, and the expert who does this countless times a day is more likely to get a more accurate figure. She will measure your bust (the highest part of your breast) and your underbust (the area just below your bust). Armed with these figures, you can start trying on items. Once you have the bra on, raise both arms, and try moving to see how comfy it is. No lingerie store should have a problem with you trying on bras; if they do, go elsewhere.

Here’s a rundown of some of the types of bras that are available

» Plunging: This type of bra has a deep front centre-cut, suitable for plunging v-necks, so that your bra won’t play peek-a-boo.

» Strapless: Like its name, it comes without straps so it’s suitable to wear with spaghetti straps or tube tops/dresses. You’ll need to choose your strapless carefully. Let’s just say, it’s far less embarrassing to be caught jumping up and down in the dressing room to test the strapless, than to have your bra slip down… in the middle of a crowded bus or train.

» Push-up bra: There are people who swear they can spot a push-up bra from across the room, then there are others who can’t live without them. At worst, they can look, well… exactly like what they are; but at best, they can help fill out the tight sweater look.

» Underwire: Contrary to belief, underwire bras aren’t just for the better-endowed girls. The underwire cradles your breasts and provides definition for the more petite girls too. What is important in an underwire bra is getting the right fit, or it may pinch – ouch!

» Minimizer: Regular-sized girls may be wondering what this would be used for. But those of us who are generously endowed know certain clothes look better when your assets are minimized. T-shirts and singlets for one, and luckily minimizer bras not only starting to have more sex appeal but, with wider straps, they support better as well!

The Bra: Where It All Began…

Here’s a brief look at the tumultuous evolution of the bra in the last century.

1900: The painful, unhealthy corset began losing favor and a less restrictive undergarment named “brassiere” appeared. The word was derived from the old French word for upper arm (yeah, we don’t get it either!).

1914: Birth of the first patented brassiere. Invented by a New York socialite, Mary Phelps Jacob, it was called the “backless brassiere”.

1917: The US War Industries Board requested women stop buying corsets in order to free up metal for the war! Thus the bra gained ground.

1920s: This was the era of the “Flapper”, and the flat-chested boyish look was all the rage. The function of the bra became to flatten breasts.

1930s: The return of the bust. The bra’s function once again is holding and supporting breasts.

1950s: This was the decade of decadence Ds (cups, babe)! “Falsies” were hot property! The heavy padding evolved into push-up bras and bras with stiffened cups with underwire. Strapless bras also became popular at this time.

1960s: Time to burn those bras. The women’s liberation movement saw many bra-burning rallies as bras were seen as a symbol of conformity and servitude.

1990s: Bras are back, and they’re baaad! From Madonna and her Jean-Paul Gaultier outfits, to Elle and her lace numbers, underwear is increasingly used for self-expression. And the Wonder Bra appears, the ultimate push-up.

Bare Necessities

Keeping Abreast

» Go braless if your outfit calls for it (i.e. something backless, bikini-cut, halters, etc), but do wear a bra under outfits that you can fit one under, as often as possible. It provides support against gravity, plus, you’ll get fewer rude stares from men on the public transport.

» Use stick-on breast support cups if you’re uncomfortable about your nipples showing through, or for support if you’re a C cup and over.

» Good strapless bras are few and far between. So when you find one that fits, buy in bulk. You’ll need at least one each in nude, black and white.

» Please leave those see-through plastic straps where they belong – at the back of your cupboard. They’re tack. And yes, everyone can see them.

We all have some body bits that need more work than the others. And aerobic classes may not hit the target area enough to make a difference. Here’s how to tailor your workout to your problem spots.

Best for shapely legs…
In-line skating
What it does: In-line skating (or rollerblading) works virtually every muscle from the hips down, to give you a shapely, toned legs and a firm, tight butt. Unlike single-plane activities such as walking, running, jogging and cycling, in-line skating is two-plane: that means there’s a side-to-side movement as well as forward motion, so those hard-to-isolate inner and outer thighs are given just as much of a work-out as the backs and fronts of your legs. Blading up and down hills helps tone the bottom and quadriceps: long, fast rides strengthen the back of the legs and burn up more kilojoules. Carry small hand weights when you’re blading to increase upper-body strength. Rollerblading is also said to be a terrific mood enhancer.

Sweat factor:
In-line skating will work up a good sweat, so wear clothing that is cool and comfortable. A slow ride burns around 900kJ for each 30 minutes; whereas a fast ride including hill work burns around 1200kJ each 30 minutes and gives a reasonably vigorous cardiovascular work-out to boot.

How do I get started?
As well as blades, you’ll need a helmet, wrist guards and knee and elbow pads.

How often should I do it?
Aim for at least three 30-45 minutes sessions a week to really tone up your thighs, calves and bottom fast. Try to alternate long, fast, flat rides with spurts of uphill work.

Tips: Squeeze your buttocks slightly as you blade, and concentrate on using your legs. Keep your head high and look forward, rather than down at the ground. For best results, keep your back straight and bend from hips and knees when you want to pick up speed.

Best for trim, toned arms…
Swimming
What it does: It’s the best way to build shapely shoulders and it increases upper-body strength without lifting weights, especially if you add hand paddles. Swimming may seem easy and effortless, but water offers 12 times the resistance of air, so it’s good for the cardiovascular system too. Work your legs by doing a few laps of the pool with a kickboard. Better still, take up scuba diving – not only does it offer the same upper-body benefits as swimming, but the kicking action exercises the fronts and backs of the thighs, as well as the hips and stomach muscles.

Sweat factor: You won’t sweat much in the water, but you will get a vigorous workout, burning between 800 and 1500 kJ per 30 minutes!

How do I get started?
Lessons are held at most pools, just ask around your local swimming pool.

How often should I do it?
Swim at least three times a week for 20 minutes; dive as often as practicable (try taking a holiday to a destination with great dive sites).

Tips: Vary your strokes so that you work out all the muscles in your arms, back and chest; trying doing 10 laps freestyle, 10 breaststroke and finally, 10 backstroke. It’s also important to keep your head in the water to avoid back strain, so try breathing in on one stroke, then exhaling over the next four.

Best for upper body…
Boxercise
What it does:Hook, jab and uppercut your way to a super-strong and toned upper body. Working out on the heavy punching bags builds arm, chest and back muscle, while speed balls (the small ball-like bags on springs) plus footwork are excellent for co-ordination and concentration skills. A boxercise work-out also includes a session of skipping to increase speed and cardiovascular fitness, and to burn off those kilojoules, so it’s an excellent total body workout.

Sweat factor: A 45-minute class will have you in a lather of sweat. Both concentrated punching and skipping burn up around 1200kJ per 30 minutes.

How do I get started?
Most gyms provide boxing gloves, but if you don’t fancy wearing someone else’s sweaty mitts, buy your own. It’s best to get medium weight gloves that can be used for both heavy bags and speed bags.

How often should I do it?
Two 45-minute classes a week are enough, but you should also skip for at least 20 minutes, three times a week, at home.

Tips Learn how to punch correctly or you could end up hurting your hands, wrists as well as shoulders.

Best for smaller butt…
Cycling
What it does: Cycling is a great toning workout for the gluteals (buttock muscles) and hip flexors, as well as the thighs and calves. It tones and build muscles, is excellent for cardiovascular fitness and can help to increase lung capacity. If you find road-traffic too daunting, try working out on a stationary bike at the gym. To get the best bottom work-out, adjust the bike seat so that the balls of your feet just reach the pedals at full stretch, pedal on grass rather than a hard surface for more resistance, and lift your butt off the seat as much as possible when you ride.

Sweat factor: The more hilly the route you choose, the more sweat you’ll raise. An easy flat cycle will burn around 700kJ per 30 minutes, while a very fast ride burns around 1500kJ per 30 minutes and gets the cardiovascular rate jumping.

How do I get started?
On a mountain bike – they’re sturdy, easy to ride and the upright body position when riding them means there’s less stress on your back.

How often should I do it?
For best results, hop on your bike for half to one hour, three times a week.

Tips: To prevent back problems, don’t wiggle from side to side when you ride. Remember, long, flat rides tone muscles and hills help to build muscle.

Best for a flat stomach…
Pilates
What it does: Pilates exercises are based on the premise that the stomach is the center of bodily power and that all strength and balance flows from there. If the stomach isn’t strong, other muscles will clench up to compensate. In every Pilates exercises – there are around 500 of them, plus variations – the stomach is held in tightly and the shoulders are relaxed. Pilates is designed to stretch and elongate muscles, rather than bulk them up. Classes are often silent to assist concentration, and Pilates is good for mental energy as well as physical strength and flexibility. It’s also said to improve your sex life.

Sweat factor: While the exercise do not appear difficult, they can be extremely strenuous when performed correctly. Pilates is designed to change the shape of your body, rather than give you a vigorous cardiovascular workout, so you’ll only burn around 500kJ for every 30 minutes.

How do I get started?
Because special equipment is used, you will need to attend a Pilates studio. Pilates usually involves one-on-one instruction so it’s a little more expensive than most other exercise sessions.

How often should I do it?
To get the full body-shaping benefits of Pilates, you’ll need to attend a minimum of three sessions per week. Each session lasts from one to one-and-a-half hours.

Tips: Do not be put off by the equipment… even though it looks as though it belongs in some kind of medieval torture chamber!

Mars N Venus… Actually asked (anonymously) 30 men to tell us their most explosive sexual experiences. Here are their suggestions for making the best bed-rocking moves known to man.

Once you’ve been in a loving relationship for a long time, the sex can become a little, well, routine. It’ll be OK, good even, but nothing either of you would describe as the missing chapter of the Karma Sutra. In fact, it’s probably similar to the time before, and the time before that… So we thought we’d ask some sexpert guys for advice on how to spice things up. Once you’ve read the article, you’ll be thinking: “I can’t do that.” Well, we’re not suggesting you incorporate every single one of these tips in your bedroom book of tricks. What we are saying is that – and studies back us up on this – making one small variation to your standard routine can make sex an unforgettable experience all over again, because no doubt he’ll want to reciprocate in kind. Just remember that you should try something new at least three times – the first time you’ll be worried about whether you’re doing it right, the second time you’ll be thinking about how to make it work for you as well, and by the third, you’ll be able to make it your own. So, here we go:

1 My ex used to flash parts of her body at me when we were out in pulic, like a bit of inner thigh. It used to get me so horny.

2 Guaranteed to get me hot is a phone call at work from my wife telling me exactly what she wants to do to me that night – or what she wants me to do to her. I have to pretend I’m talking to a client, so I try to act all cool and collected, but by the time I meet her, I’m almost ready to burst.

3 If she decides to swallow, it’s best if she doesn’t make a big deal out of it by groaning or quickly wiping her mouth on the pillowcase or the sheet. She should extend the moment instead, by slowly making her way up to my face with little kisses. That way, I can also feel her breasts brush against my body.

4 I used to love it when my ex would spiral her tongue up and down the side of my torso. I wish more women would do it.

5 Tell him you’re not wearing underwear when you go out. I guarantee that he won’t be able to think about anything else.

6 This move doesn’t have a name, but it’s a real treat watching my partner rub herself with oil, and then use her naked body to massage mine by rubbing up and down it. I’m instantly ready for business.

7 Don’t underestimate the power of a good hand job. Even if she’s not sure how fast or how slow, when to loosen her grip and when to tighten it. I’m more than happy to show her how. Just remember, we don’t produce a natural lubricant, so make it smoother with a bit of saliva.

8 Men are visual creatures, so I love it when my partner strips for me, teasing me by taking each item off slowly and sexily. I just go wild.

9 You know how multi-tasking is about doing two or more things at once? Well, I like a woman who can do that in bed. So, if she’s sucking on my nipples, she might also be cradling my balls, or, if we’re having sex, she’ll continue to kiss me. It’s hot.

10 I don’t know many women who like the way they look, but that doesn’t mean sex should always be in the dark. So me tip is: let us leave the lights on occasionally. It’s great to see her body and it’s even better to watch her react to what I’m doing.

11 My nipples are incredibly sensitive, so there’s no better sensation than having them licked and then gently blown on – alternating between hot and cold just sends shivers up my spine.

12 Ear-piercing orgasms and creaking beds are great but, for a change, I occasionally like to try doing it as quietly as and with as little movement as possible. It reminds me of sneaking girls into my bedroom when I was young and hoping my parents wouldn’t hear. It still has the same illicit thrill.

13 You know what’s cool? When my baby wakes me up in the middle of the night because she’s gotta have it and she’s gotta have it now.

14 Nothing gets me hornier than a woman undressing without saying anything. My partner once did that while I was on the phone, and I just kept losing track of the conversation.

15 My partner once pretended it was her first time, saying we could do anything but ‘the deed’. We were so hot and sweaty by the end of it, we both reached orgasm – without intercourse.

16 You know that line of hair from the belly button to the pubic bone? Well, it’s called the ‘happy trail’, and nothing makes me happier than having my wife licking it quite hard down to the base of my penis, before moving back up again.

17 One night I’ll never forget is when my partner rubbed some strawberry-flavored lubricant on my nipples. She blew on them and it felt like I was on fire from them being all hot and tingly. Even now, when I smell strawberries…

18 Bring me to the edge then stop, then doing it all over again. It’s like taking two sensual steps forward and one back, but I know my final climax will be incredible.

19 Look at me in the eye just as I’m about to orgasm.

20 It’s simple: ask for seconds. That tells me how much she wants me.

21 I’m not vain, but a compliment now and then doesn’t go astray. Sure, it’s no whizz-bang move, but it always make me feel great.

22 Most girls don’t realize how good it feels but, if she can squeeze her vaginal muscles when I’m inside her, it just blows my mind – especially when she starts out squeezing slowly, and then gradually speeds up.

23 Women are paranoid about how they smell but I don’t want to taste soap and perfume when I’m down there, especially as her natural flavor is so incredibly sexy.

24 It may sound weird, but I melt when she licks, tickles and darts her tongue in and out of my ear, and it’s great when she alternates the tempo and stops what she’s doing and I can hear how excited she is from her heavy breathing.

25 I love it when my partner keeps her clothes on. Feeling something smooth and soft graze my body makes me desperate to get underneath it. Every now and again, she even keeps her G-string on. I pull it aside and we just go for it.

26 There’s nothing better than a woman who’s willing to take complete control and direct every one of my moves, telling me exactly what she wants me to do, when and who. It’s really sexy to feel like I’m some kind of extra in our own personal pleasure show.

27 It’s not just the foreplay and sex for me… what happens afterwards is just as important. When we’re just lying there and she runs her fingers over me really gently. It keeps that loving feeling lingering for just a little bit longer.

28 My partner once put a ribbed condom on me inside out, and the sensation of those ridges along my penis during sex was absolute heaven. I’ve got a warning though: I wouldn’t recommend it unless you have a back-up form of birth control, because unless you’re ready to embrace parenthood, it’s not a risk you want to take.

29 A woman who can make putting on the condom part of foreplay has my vote. My wife has even mastered the technique of slipping it on with her mouth by using her tongue to unroll it over my penis. It gets me hot just thinking about it.

30 Trim each other’s pubic hair. The sensation of an electric clipper against my skin does amazing things a little further south.

Do this workout three times a week for six weeks and you’ll drop a dress size (without missing a single episode of CSI or The Ellen Show!). By Mars N Venus… Actually.

Sounds too good to be true, but it works! We got a workout that enables you to tone your body to perfection in the comfort of your own living room. And because watching your favorite program is an important part of this workout, you’ll be distracted from any of the usual exercise discomfort. So now you can be slim and sexy (not to mention healthy!) without missing any of your favorite shows – this won’t work if you scoff packets of chocolate biscuits in between, of course.

The Preparation Kit
Carefully study the TV guide for a 30-minute program you like. Just before it’s about to start, put on some comfortable, loose clothes that you can move around in easily. Clear a space on the floor. Push the sofa away from the wall so that you can get behind it, and keep a pile of cushions nearby.

The Warm-Up Bit
When the TV show’s intro music kicks in, start warming up. March briskly on the spot for 30 seconds.

The Stretching Bit
Stretch 1
In a standing position, take a deep breath and stretch up towards the ceiling with both arms, then exhale as you relax your arms down again. Repeat four times.

Stretch 2
Reach up towards the ceiling with one arm and slowly bend over sideways towards the side of the resting arm, until you feel a stretch through the side of your body. Repeat twice on each side.

Stretch 3
While keeping your upper body facing forward so you can see the screen, and your arms outstretched, walk your feet round to the right so the side faces the screen and you are twisting at the waist. Repeat four times, to the right and left.

Stretch 4
Keeping your legs straight, rise up and down on your toes, lifting your heels off the floor. Repeat 12 times.

Stretch 5
Circle your shoulders four times forwards and four times backwards. Do the same with your arms, windmilling them four times forwards and four times backwards.

The Work It, Work It, Work It Bit
You can follow this sequence of simple exercises and work your muscles without missing a dramatic twist or hilarious punchline. Try to do 20 repetitions of each exercise. If you can’t imagine 20 when you first start doing these routines, do as many as you can and build up by one or two each time you do the workout. If you get carried away with the show’s plot and forget to count, stop when your muscles ache or when two minutes have passed. As you get faster, try to do a circuit of these exercises before the ad break, then repeat them in the second half.

Slow Squats
Stand just in front of the sofa, legs slightly apart and feet pointing towards the TV and very slowly sit until your bottom just touches the seat (but before you put any weight on the cushion), the slowly stand up. Make sure your knees bend in line with your feet.

Bunny Hops
Start in the same position as for the push-ups. While pushing away from the sofa back, straighten your arms and jump, keeping hold of the sofa. As you land, bend both knees. Try to stay in the air as long as possible and land quietly.

Side bends
Lie on the floor on your side. Stretch your bottom out on the floor in front of you at a right angle to your body, and bend the underneath leg so it’s at a right angle to your body, with your knee forward. Keep your top leg straight and put your top hand to your temple like a salute. Take a deep breath and, as you exhale, pull your tummy in, press down on the floor with the lower arm and curl up sideways at the waist, just a little. Breathe in and relax onto the floor. Remember to do the other side.

The Bit During The Ads
Grab a drink of water, stretch out a little and, if you’re feeling energetic, run upstairs or jog on the spot. Stay moving and resist the temptation to flop on the couch.

The Bit Where You Go For The Burn
Do 10-1 repetitions of these moves.

Directory squat lifts
Start in a squat position (knees bent, back straight, leaning forward as if you’re lowering yourself onto a chair). Hold two directories out in front of you. As you breathe out, stand up straight and raise the books over your head with straight arms. Try to make it all one smooth movement, so that everything happens together and the body feels stretched all the way from your toes up to your fingers. Caution: don’t let your lower back arch as you straighten up. Breathe in and return to the beginning squat position.

Pelvic tilts
Lie down on the floor on your back, with a few cushions propped under your head so that you can still keep watching the TV. Take a deep breath and, as you exhale, pull the lower stomach towards the floor and tilt the pelvis (as if it is a bowl and you’re tipping it towards your stomach). Hold for 10 seconds before you release.

The winding-down bit
Stretch out
As the credit rolls, streeeetch. Repeat the stretches from the start of the workout, holding each for 20 seconds, then add these stretches (remembering to do both legs).

Stretch 1
Stand, holding on to a stationary object for support, then grasp the ankle of one leg and bend the knee back, keeping the other leg bent slightly. Draw your heel towards your bum while keeping your hips forward – you will feel the thigh stretch.

Stretch 2
Sit down on the sofa and stretch one leg out straight in front of you. Stick your bottom out so your back arches, then lean forward until you feel the back of the leg stretching. Slowly flex the foot to take the stretch down to the calf.

Stretch 3
Stand up and link your hands behind you and pull them up to lift your chest up. Then bring your arms in front of you, link your hands and reach forward, rounding the upper back and dropping the head. Now grab a drink of water and relax – you deserve it!

Note: Push Ups
Make sure the sofa can’t move if pushed, then stand behind it and rest your hands on the back, shoulder-width apart. Keep your arms straight. Take a step back, lift your heels off the floor and lean forwards so that your body weight is supported through your arms. While keeping your back perfectly straight and still, breathe in and bend your elbows to lower your chest towards the sofa back. Exhale as you straighten your arms and push yourself away.

Note: Crunches
You need to be near a coffee table or a foot rest for this one. Lie on your back and place the balls of your feet gently on the low surface, bending your knees slightly. With your arms reaching forwards, breathe out and curl your head and shoulders off the floor keeping a good grip on the coffee table or foot rest. Make sure you draw your chin into the chest as you curl up.

There’s nothing more heavenly after a hard day than to lie back while expert, caring hands knead you into a deep slumber. Welcome to beauty’s favourite new oasis: the spa.

Spa is a word that conjures many different images. To some, the word inspires visions of a medicinal spring. The more geographically-inclined probably think of a particular town in Belgium. Others consider it a posh way of saying “beauty salon”. While party animals imagine a frothing tub filled with giggling, bikini-clad girls… To set the record straight, a spa – in the modern sense of the word – is a wellness centre that offers treatments and, often, feel-good facilities to clients. Treatments include the holistic (massages, body wraps, essential oils, hydrotherapy) as well as the aesthetic (beautifying treats like hair services, facials, pedicures, weight-loss procedures). Facilities may include Swiss showers, heated jacuzzis, luxurious steam baths. Feeling all tensed up at work? Book yourself into a spa and get yourself pampered into a relaxed puddle by expert hands. Trust me. There’s nothing quite like it. There’s no denying the growing appeal of spas worldwide. Southeast Asia, in particular, is getting the hang of it. Sure, it’s an indulgence, and most of us have bills to pay. But with the increasing level of work stress, and the wide choice of treatment centers peppered around, “spa-ing” is set to become a way of life for us. No clue what it’s all about? We cut through the jargon to tell you all you need to know about spas before you embark on your first visit.

Day spa or destination spa?
A destination spa is one that’s located in a resort or hotel, where you can get away for a short retreat and focus on pampering and rejuvenation. A day spa provides an urban escape for those who can only spare a few hours. Plan a vacation around a destination spa like the Banyan Tree in the Maldives, or The Chedi in Bali for an all-out, full-on blissful retreat. Whereas day spas can be incorporated into your day-to-day lifestyle. Pick a date every month or two as your pampering day, and check yourself into a day spa. You’ll emerge fresh and recharged, ready to face the world for the next few months.

Wind up, wind down
Don’t just zip in and out of the spa for your treatments. Relax in the tranquil surroundings. Some spas offer free use of their facilities for clients. Other charge a nominal fee. My advice? If they charge, pay up and get the full spa experience. You’ll be twice as recharged than if you just had treatments alone. Check in an hour before your schedule appointment, hit the shower, get changed (bring your swimming cozzie) and head towards the hot jacuzzi. Relax there as long as you want (20 minutes is about enough), then head to the steam room. Spas are starting to incorporate essential oils in their steam baths. They smell great, and are fab for your skin too. But if you have sensitive skin, or any other allergies, do check with your therapist about what oils are pumped in with the steam. Hit the showers again to splash away the sweat from your steam bath (it’s a room full of steam that includes sweat, not a real bath-type, mind). Wrap up nice and toasty in the bathrobe provided, and unwind in the relaxation lounge while you wait for the therapist to come for you.

Extend the spa experience
Many spas use their own brand of skincare, bodycare and cosmetics. One way to prolong the soothing effects of your spa visit is to buy the products that were used on you (your personal therapist will be more than happy to help you pick these out) and do your own homecare. If you’ve had a facial and like how the products feel on your skin, buy the complete range of skincare (cleanser, toner, moisturizer, mask). If it was an aromatic message, get the body lotion version of the oils used in your treatment. Burning the essential oils in your room would also bring about a similar sense of euphoria as you experienced in the spa. Spas like Angsana Spa, Estheva and St Gregory all offer home-care versions of their products for purchase at their spa shops.

A dummy’s guide to spa treatments
Besides the essential massage, try the other skin-pampering treats that will have you positively floating out of there with velvety-smooth skin and a detoxed body. Start with a body glow; a full-bodied scrub where the therapist slathers your shoulders to the soles of your feet with your choice of scrubs (anything from a sea-salt to mint-tinted granules to yummy smelling strawberry) and gives you the ultimate rub-down. This prepares the skin for a nourishing body wrap (seaweed and mud are popular for their moisturizing properties, ginger ups circulation, while crushed grapeseed detoxifies and has rich anti-oxidants). Hydrotherapy sounds intimidating, but it’s just a name for water jets that help in blood circulation and slimming. Ask away during your consultation session, and the spa staff will be happy to recommend the right treatments for you.

Before the spa
Forget about cramming in that plate of spaghetti before rushing off for your appointment or you’ll feet uncomfortably bloated throughout your session. But don’t arrive hungry either, unless you want your therapist to hear your growling tummy throughout. Have something to eat at least an hour before your treatment. And keep it light, such as a fresh salad or tuna sandwich. If you’re having an exfoliating body scrub, avoid scuffing yourself for the few days leading to your appointment. If it’s a massage you’re having, skip the body moisturizer before leaving the house. It’s common spa etiquette to have a shower at home first, if all you’re having is a massage. Most spas don’t factor in time for you to shower there and then, so go squeaky clean.

Massages
The highlight of any spa trip, massages can be invigorating, relaxing, anti-stress and soothing (for tired muscles). The most common schools of massage are the Swedish, Shiatsu, Aromatic, Lomi Lomi, Indonesian and Thai. Every spa usually has their own unique signature massage. Try that out if it’s your first visit. It’s usually the best.

Swedish: Light, yet deep strokes are used to improve blood circulation, reduce tension and soothe sore muscles. This highly relaxing massage often lulls you into a state of peaceful slumber.

Shiatsu: The release of trapped energy in the 14 body meridians (a belief subscribed to by the school of shiatsu medicine) and the restoration of balance and well-being are achieved with finger-thumb pressure. This is a cross between acupuncture and massage.

Aromatic: Different essential oils are blended to the specific needs of clients, to induce different therapeutic benefits. Ylang ylang to balance raging hormones, citrus oils to energize, lavender and chamomile to soothe.

Lomi Lomi: A sensual Hawaiian massage that involves rhythmic kneading and sliding strokes to relax. Fingertips are used to knead, while the entire lower arm slides soothingly across the back and legs.

Spa etiquette
» Show up at least 15 to 20 minutes early for your appointment. There’s nothing worse than being late, it causes later clients to have to wait because your treatment ends later than planned. Also, you’ll need the extra time to change out of your clothes, rinse under the showers, warm up in the sauna or steam room, or anything to clear your head before the treatment.

» Give yourself ample time to enjoy the benefits of your spa visit. Forget about planning something else right after your visit. You’ll need some winding down time, as well as time to perhaps shower, have some time and even try out the jacuzzi or sauna facilities.

» You’re expected to remove your shoes and wear the slippers, provided. It’s simply rude not to wear them.

» If there’s something you want to know or if you’re uncomfortable with something at any time that you’re on the premises, ask! It never hurts to find out if you can get an outdoor massage pavilion, or if you could use the sauna before your treatment.

» Remember that trained spa therapists see hundreds or even thousands of body types and sizes. Be prepared to relax au naturel. You’ll never enjoy the full relaxing effects of a spa if you’re feeling so self-conscious.

» Do tip therapists at destination spas in countries like Indonesia and Thailand. It’a always a nice gesture, and you’ll be sure to get even better service for your next treatment.

» Leave your cell phone and pager behind. The purpose of a trip to the spa is to relax and rejuvenate, not to get a massage while you think about tomorrow’s presentation.

Blame it on bikini-clad Ursula Andress. When she emerged from the sea in the 007-classic Dr No, the image of the modern beach babe was born. But real-life beach beauties aren’t born, they’re made. The only catch? Making the effort look effortless. Sail through summer with Mars And Venus…Actually’s tips for seaside glamour.

A lot of hot air
Think beachside hair and you picture tousled, rippling locks. It’s not about a perfectly in-place low-dry – not only does this look too “done”, it simply takes too long. After all, when the sun is shining, the sea sparkling and the beach is beckoning, do you really want to be wasting time in the bathroom, lasting yourself with hot air and doing a contortion with your hairdryer and brush? Save the effort for work days. All you need for beach-ready hair is to comb a leave-in sunscreen treatment through towel-dried hair, and let the natural summer heat do its work.

Cutting loose
Ponytails, pigtails, plaits … the beach is where you can get away with all your favorite girly Gidhet hairstyles. Make the most of it and decorate your ‘dos with real or artificial tropical blooms. Or try out the Gucci look – a long scarf tied kerchief-style at the back of the head.

Love your hair to health
It’s all too easy for tresses to wind up looking like a tangled of shrivelled seaweed by the end of the beach season. Unless you have a beach-specific hair strategy, the sun, the salt and sand will all take their toll. If you colour your hair, comb in a shield alm or oil before taking the plunge – it’s like an invisible bathing cap. At tne end of the day in the sea, wash your hair with a deep cleansing shampoo. For an additional lift, try a post-sun conditioner. Finally, nourish locks with an intensive treatment once a week.

Mermaid temp-tresses
You know those sexy Blue Lagoon locks? That just-been-rolling-in-the-waves-with-a-dream-boy effect? Yes, it looks amazingly sultry, but if he tries to run his fingers through your salty mane, he’ll encounter hardly enough snarls to make you howl in pain. Hardly romantic! A better way to get the sexy sea-goddess look? Kusco-Murphy Beach Hair is a light gel blended with crushed bamboo, bergamot and coconut oil, and gives your locks a tousled, carefree look – plus, it smells tantalisingly tropical. Hair stylist Kevin Murphy was inspired to concoct it after working on a Sports Illustrated shoot: sand blew into the hair gel, which gave the model’s locks extra texture and body.

Beauty in the buff
Layers of make-up won’t stick it out in the heat, so stick to sheer coverage. A facial self-tanner is perfect if you normally get away with minimal foundation. If you need more help, add a dollop or two of liquid foundation to your facial sunscreen. Spot cover any blemishes and set the concealer with powder. Choose a lip-cheek-eye stick or cream in a warm shade (bronze or gold), dab on lips, lids and cheeks and press in with your fingers.

Evening star
How to make the most of that all-over-fake tan? Mix some shimmer into your sunscreen and coat yourself from head to toe. Try Anna Sui Body Glitter #701. It looks tres St Tropez, plut is sets off that hot pink bikini! At night, turn up the voltage. Keep the face subtle – dust on glimmer powder, smooth on a high-sheen tint.

Surf skin saver
What’s your number-one summer skin saviour? Loads of sunscreen, of course; slather it on when you know you’ll be exposed to the sun. But you also need to be extra dilligent with your regular routine as well. If you suffer from excess grease, don’t skip the moisturiser (even oily complexions get dehydrated) – just swap to a lighter, gel-based or oil-control lotion, or apply your cream just to dry skin spots. You may also need to use an oil or acne-control cleansing foam to keep over-active sebaceous glands in check and exfoliate once a week. If you have an excess-oil problem, pack on a purifying mask twice a week, while all skins benefit from a weekly hydrating treatment.

Tequila sunrise
Lip glosses and cheek tints in coral shades, nail polishes in daiquiri colours, eye-shadows in curacao blue and Midori green … If you want to make a splash with summer’s technicolour make-up, the each is your perfect backdrop. The key: pick one shade and one facial feature only. You want a single wash of colour on an almost bare face. Coat your lids in blue or green, load up your lids with coral or hot-pink, or slick your nails (be sure to splurge on a manicure and pedicure at the start of a sunny season) in a shade that’s between yellow or orange.

A regular PAP smear is a good start, but really looking after yuor body requires more intimate knowledge. If you’ve been guilty of complacency about your reproductive health, stop cringing, uncross those legs and read on…

Below The Belt

Scan any office, bus or shop and you’ll see women going about their daily business. Outwardly, all look normal but, inside, those women could be itching like mad with thrush, growing cysts on their ovaries or harbouring a lump in their breasts. These are “women’s problems”, usually discussed in hushed tones with eyes downcast. Well, not here. We’re talking loud and proud about the things that can go wrong with your “girlie bits”, so you’ll be able to recognise if a problem strikes – and take action. Here’s a guide through the maze of problems that affect the health of those body parts specific to women – the vagina, cervix, uterus, ovaries and breasts. Any one of us could be affected, at any time. Yep, that includes you. So read on.

Thrush

What is it?
Basically, a thrush is an overgrown yeast fungus. Candida albicans is a fungus present in small amounts on your skin and in your mouth, bowel and vagina. Usually, your body’s defences keep it in check, but sometimes circumstances allow it to flourish and it starts to attack the tissue under it, causing inflammation – that is candidiasis or thrush. Factors include stress, taking the Pill, antibiotics, a high intake of alcohol, sugar and caffeine (especially in recurring thrush) and hot sweatiness around the vagina (often caused by tight pants and synthetic undies).

What does it feel like?
In a word, itchy. It causes an intense itching or burning around your vagina and vulva, accompanied by a discharge that’s often described as looking like cottage cheese, but can also be thin and clear. Some say it smells like bread or beer.

What can I do about it?
Thrush is diagnosed by examination and sometimes a swab (to identify the yeast). You must have it diagnosed by a doctor, especially the first time, as there are other infections, such as bacterial and urinary tract infections, that can affect the area and produce a similar sensation. Treatment is via creams, pessaries and sometimes even oral treatments. You’d probably also be advised to wear cotton underwear, avoid soaps and perfumes, wash the area regularly, wipe your anus from front to back and use a condom when infected. If you have chronic thrush, try to change to an appropriate diet; taking lots of sugar and wine will increase candida’s recurrence. Try eating acidophilus bacteria, which are found in some yoghurts or in tablets from health food stores. They should help clear it up.

Fibroids

What are they?
Fibroids are benign (non-cancerous) tumours that grow in the wall of the uterus. They are made up of muscle and fibrous tissue. One in five women has fibroids, but as firboids are often symptoms-free, you could be that one-in-five and not even know it. No-one knows what causes them, but their growth seems to depend on the presence of hormones, mainly oestrogen. There are fibroids on record that weigh 10kg, which you can feel because as they grow, they enlarge and distort the uterus and can often be felt by pressing on the area. Fibroids are rare in women under 25.

What do they feel like?
Usually, you won’t feel a thing – but they can cause heavy periods or bleeding after sex and between periods. They may intefere with fertility by projecting into the uterus cvausing miscarriage or premature delivery, but this is not common.

What can I do about them?
Treatment depends on fibroid size and whether the woman wants to keep her uterus. If you’re 45, have had your babies and are sick of heavy periods, you may choose a hysterectomy. If you’re 25, however, and the fibroids are thought to be interfering with your fertility, they may just cut out the fibroid. A naturopath will prescribe herbs to help regulate bleeding and to reduce fibroid size. You can also use dietary changes to control oestrogen levels, such as eating more soya products, increasing your protein intake and eating more vegetables from the cabbage family.

PMS

Short of beating your boyfriend with a rolled-up printable version of Mars & Venus… Actually, finding relief from PMS can be a bitch. The most common symptoms include a bloated abdomen, swollen, tender breasts and “mood changes”. Add to this swollen ankles, skin disorders, headaches, backaches and hot flushes and it’s no wonder that women who suffer badly from PMS may also be irritable, anxious, depressed or aggressive. Mainstream medical treatments include taking the Pill, using diuretics to help eliminate fluids from the body and taking supplementary vitamins, including B6 and B1. A healthy diet and lots of exercise are also highly recommended. Evening primrose oil, often suggested as a natural cure for PMS, is only suitable for mild cases while visiting a naturopath may provide more relief.

Ovarian Cysts

What are they?
There are many different types of ovarian cysts. The most common are physiological cysts, also known as “simple” or “functional” cysts, because they form as part of normal ovarian processes. There are two types of simple cysts: follicular cysts, which form when an ovarian follicle (egg sac) doesn’t release its ovum (egg) and fills up with clear fluid; and luteal cysts, which form in ruptured follicles and are more likely to cause spotting, heavy bleeding or early/late periods. Both follicular and luteal cysts usually disppear on their own. With polycystic ovarian syndrome, lots of little cysts form all over the ovary’s surface. The first signs of the condition include heavy bleeding and irregular periods and, over time, these cysts can affect fertility. This condition is generally treated hormonally. Other benign cysts include hormone-producing cysts, serous and mucinous cystadenomas, fibromas and Brenner tumours. Most of these should be surgically removed once discovered. In all cases, irregularities in your periods are the giveaway.

What do they feel like?
Generally, you won’t notice an ovarian cyst. If it ruptures, however, it may cause pain, often on one side only. Pain during sex can also be a warning sign of cysts, as can a “bloated” or heavy feeling in the lower abdomen.

What can I do about them?
Treatment depends on what it looks like on the ultrasound – how big they are, whether it’s a ’simple’ cyst or a ‘complex’ cyst, which can be malignant and usually needs to be removed. Ovarian cysts are usually considered to be a result of some abnormal tissue development. If there’s even the smallest possibility that a cyst might be dangerous, surgery is a definite must.

From the totally weird file

There’s a type of ovarian cyst, called a dermoid cyst, which forms when an egg begins to develop in a very abnormal way. So? Well, these cysts can be made up of all sorts of bizarre things, including hair, teeth, bones and skin fragments. This is because the cells that have gone mad are the ones that have the potential to create the different types of tissues normally found in your body. These cysts are best removed surgically – after all, who wants a set of teeth in their ovary?

Your best friend has a new guy, so you should be happy for her. There’s just one problem – he’s a total jerk. So, what’s a girl to do when her pal loves a prat?

“What do you think of Tim?” my friend shouts at me for the 98th time on the crowded dancefloor. “Erm, he’s nice…” I lie, doing a quick spin. She’s not fooled. She shakes her head. “You don’t like him, do you?” I mutter something about not knowing him, “I’m sure he’s fine.” But she knows. And she’s terribly disappointed in me. I am tempted, oh so tempted, to say she’s wrong, that I think Tim is wonderful, clearly in love with her and definitely the best thing that’s ever happened to her. But I can’t because it’s obvious Tim isn’t in love with her. In love with himself more like. I’ve only just met him but my prat-warning antennae are giving me a headache. He’s so full of himself. His attitude towards my friend displays a cavalier sense of his self-worth, not hers. For starters, he turned up late, then hit her with a didn’t-mean-it-really criticism of her faulous dress, then looks at me like he wants to kill me because he knows I see straight through him, as any decent friend would. Too right I don’t like him. Would you?

Speak up, or not?

Marie, my friend, knows how I feel, yet it doesn’t stop her seeing him. She even declares herself madly in love and thinks they might marry. What am I to do? Keep quiet and let her get on with it or offer her the benefit of my highly-prejudiced opinion? Try to talk her out of her as fast as you can, but suppose I’m wrong? Listen, I’ve drunk champagne at more marriages made in hell than I can remember. Sometimes, it’s just obvious from the get-go that a relationship is unbalanced but you never quite have the courage to point it out. For months you don’t say anything to either party for fear of causing offence. Then you go to their wedding, heart heavy in your boots, and declare this couple are made for each other when they clearly aren’t. I look back now on times when I’ve done that and think of it as the worst betrayal. But how can I be sure I’m right? Suppose, just suppose, I’m jealous? I know that’s what Marie will say if I front up about my feelings about Tim. But I shouldn’t let such fears stop me. As more relationships face difficulties, we owe it to those we care about to help them to make a good match, not a bad one.

Truth or jealousy?

Couples who are genuinely right for each other invite very little comment from their friends. We all love a good gossip but there’s little fun in commenting and whispering about those who chirp at each other like little loveirds. Those suited tend to be very obviously so. When they’re not suited, it’s something that is often more visible from the outside. So, I gently try to tell Marie why I don’t like Tim. I wouldn’t have bothered, ut she’s started with the bridal brochures and what’s a friend to do? “Why don’t you like him?” she snaps at me. “Go on, tell me,” she yells. I’ve never seen my friend of so many years quite so angry. I’m in a painted corner. There’s no way out. So I take a deep breath and say to her: “No matter how badly he behaves, or how many times he lets you down or openly humiliates you in front of your friends, you always rush to his defence too quickly.” She shrugs, “He’s very busy,” she says like that excuses all of the above. Then she dismisses me and here comes the comment I knew to expect. “You’re just jealous. You’re going 30 and still not married. Well that won’t happen to me. Get out.”

Slimy tactics

Yes, it’s true I’m not married. So I suppose I can’t comment, can I? At least, not from a position of strength. Getting married matters more to Marie than who she marries. Tim wants to marry her, I opine, because he has her exactly where he wants her – on the floor. And he’s fast isolating her from all her friends. More power to have over her. She can’t see it because she’s totally taken in by what little charm this snake possesses. And oh, how she wants that ring. I’ve been where Marie is. His name was Paul, but I called him Paulie. He called me spanner face. But I like his ribbing, insisted he didn’t mean it. My friend Corinne was sure he did. “You’re not serious about him are you?” she asked. I was staggered by her question and blurted out no. She nodded and said: “In that case, enjoy. He’s a nice piece of arm candy.” But what if I’d said I was serious? Because I was. So I gradually started seeing less of Corinne and more of Paulie. That way, I didn’t have to face her criticism. I suppose, deep down, I was running away from Corinne because I didn’t like that she knew the truth. But I wasn’t ready to face up to that yet. I was blinded by the scenery. Paulie was so good-looking but oh boy, did he know it. As I isolated myself more from my crowd (sound familiar? Marie is doing the same with Tim) I became more and more lonely because convinced as I was that Paulie was right for me, I didn’t actually see him all that often. I couldn’t admit this to my friends (pride) so I often spent Saturday nights, weekends and holidays alone, waiting. When I eventually wised up and left my so-called relationship, my friends as one yelled, “Welcome back.”

Prat Recognition

So, how did Corinne know he was so wrong so soon after meeting him? “He was clearly a con man,” she told me. “Much too busy admiring his own reflection to notice you.” How could she tell all this? She hardly knew the man. “It’s true I only met him a few times but I knew him through what you said about him. Everything he did was wonderful. He was just too, too perfect. You invested him with qualities he didn’t have. You went on about his appearance. He’s very good-looking. No question. But because of that, you assumed all kinds of other things about him.” I did what many of us accuse men of doing: I judged by looks. I was a sucker for a pretty face and a beautiful, well-dressed body. I wanted others to notice me through him. To think more of me because I had this trophy bloke on my arm. Shallow or what? Paul cared more about looks than anything. I’ve no idea what he saw in me. Appearance wise, we were in wildly-different leagues. I was probably a bit of a novelty to him. Someone who didn’t know her Gucci from her Prada, except that they’re both Italian, right? Oh how quaint I must have seemed. What a prat he was. No, what a fool I was. Why couldn’t I see it. Corinne shakes her much-wiser head than mine. “Well, we did try…” Okay, okay. So should I tell Marie about Tim? Without question, says Corinne.

Speaking up

Interference is what friendships are all about, otherwise they’re not worth having. The truth has has to be expressed. If you’re right and it all goes horribly wrong, you’ll be blamed anyway, ‘Why didn’t you warn me?’ they’ll say to you. ‘Aren’t you supposed to be my friend?’ So I say, speak you mind and do it tactfully …saying something like ‘If I was in your shoes,’ rather than telling them outright they’re dating a jerk. No-one likes to hear that.” One way to express this feeling is to say that for you, it would be the wrong decision. She has to make her own choices and learn from them but she still needs you. So try and be supportive rather than judgemental. Deep down, she probably knows you’re right. She probably has inner voices of doubt herself, but doesn’t want to listen to them. Right now, she prefers to heed the call of the more reckless side of her nature and that’s something we all do at some point. We are meant to get it wrong at times. How else can we know when we’ve got it right? be honest about your feelings because that’s what friendship is supposed to be. But in the end, it is up to your friend how she wants to live her life and what decisions she wants to take. But if she realises that your concerns are an expression of love, not condemnation, she’ll be very glad of it. Or she should be.

Family of friends

Friends are the new family for many of today’s young women. We get closer to our friends, tell them far more about ourselves, and they see us in ways our blood family never do. So whereas we’d be reluctant – understandably – to listen to our mothers or even our grandmothers, as many of us did on the past, today we listen to friends instead. So, you have to speak up.

Try, try again

Eventually, I gather enough courage to try again. I haven’t seen Marie in several weeks. This is not from want of trying. She hasn’t returned my calls and the one time she did answer my call, she slammed the phone down the instant she recognised my voice. So I go over to the apartment where she lives. I’m uninvited and I’m unloved. Hey, I’m the bad fairy in Sleeping Beauty! But I’ve got to try one more time. She opens the door, hair up in a white towel, face half-painted. She’s clearly going out soon. With Tim, I expect. I haven’t much time so I blurt out pretty much everything Corinne told me about Paul. I pour out all of my mistakes. And I ramble on about How I’m glad now I had a friend to warn me, even though I didn’t listen to her at the time. I finish up with: “I won’t say any of this again. I have a duty to you and I just couldn’t rest till I’d done it.” Julie nods. She hasn’t asked me into her place. “Finished?” she says. I nod. So are they. About two weeks ago. She was too proud to tell me. But she’s going out tonight as a free woman. Would I care to join her in painting the town red? We burst into tears, hug, and fall in through the front door. It might not end so happily for you but you’ve got to give it a go. Think of yourself in your friend’s position. Say what you would want her to tell the truth too. Tell her about the prats you’ve dated before – make them up if necessary. It’ll help her to realise that you’re really on her side. It’s not an easy place to be, but will you ever rest easy if you don’t say something, now?

How to set her straight

Here’s a quick guide to the right way and the wrong way to tell a friend she’s dating a prat.

» Wrong Way “Him? He’s a total mummy’s boy.”

» Right Way “I think you might be competing with his mother for his love.”

» Wrong Way “His eyes are too close together.”

» Right Way “I don’t think he’s nice enough for you.”

» Wrong Way Laughing hysterically when she says they’re to marry.

» Right Way “Promise me you’ll wait at least a year.”

» Wrong Way He’s a disgusting little twerp. Have you lost your mind?”

» Right Way “I’m worried he’ll take his insecurities out on you.”

» Wrong Way “Are you that desperate?”

» Right Way “You could do so much better.”

At first, you did it all the time, any time, and anyplace. Now, he just doesn’t seem interested anymore. What gives? Here’s how to put the lust back into your love-life.

There comes a time in every relationship when you slip into the comfort zone. There is familiarity and predictability about most facets of life together and for the most part, this is not a bad thing. Sure, he’s prone to the odd outburst of juvenile petulance when you insist that four hours of football on TV does not a cosy-evening-in make, but fior all his faults and foibles, his presence in your life in provides stability and consistency in your world. Plus, you get to have sex. A total win-win proposition. I’m sure I don’t need to explain how important a little horizontal mambo is to your average man. Faced with a choice between life and the sex of a lifetime, most of us would actually have to give it some thought. Much has been said regarding the origins of this unquenchable thirst: it’s genetic, it’s how we prove our manhood to ourselves, it’s the most pleasurable form of exercise yet invented. Who really knows (or cares)? Suffice to say, given the opportunity most men will drop their Levis quicker than Hollywood can crank out movie sequels.

I’m told that the male penchant for the carnal carnival can be a tad annoying – especially when you take its single-minded nature into account. As vexing as this may be, a glut is preferable to a drought and when a man loses interest in doing the biz, many a female partner is left confused, upset and riddled with self-doubt as to her – how do I say this? – pulling power. At some time or another you’ll find yourself with that certain itch, he’s simply in no mood to scratch. You have two choices here. You can either pack up the lingerie, storm off and find yourself a man who can’t stop ’til the morning papers arrive, or you can stick around and remedy the situation. If this is the only malaise affecting an otherwise rewarding relationship, I’d strongly advise going with option two – there are easy steps you can take to remedy the situation. The reasons men go off sex are varied and manifest themselves in different ways, however there are some general causes and, I’m glad to report, remedies to match.

Just Hold Me
One of the most prevalent of all gender fallacies is that, more often than not, men fall into the trap of seeing sex as a purely physical experience – the body as fun-park concept. And while we are – for better or worse, and I strongly suspect the latter – capable of divorcing our inner selves from the physical ramifications of ultimate closeness with another human being, we’re people too, dammit. Fellow souls who need – no, deserve – to be held, caressed and cuddled (anything along the lines of “you’re the sexiest/biggest/best/first” will do it). However, no matter what you say or how you say it, you have to be holding us tight and maybe gently stroking our hair. I’ve read numerous interviews with ladies of the night who consistently report that the sex they provide is often simply a pretext and what their clients really desire is intimacy. And it kinda makes sense, when you think about it. Men live in a world of intense competition where dependence is often equated with weakness. Paralysed by out-dated macho stereotypes, they believe that all physical contact is governed by the ethos “go hard or go home”. What’s more, thy actually think that this is what you women want from them. Show him that you won’t think any less of him if he’d rather be cuddled than canoodle and his sex drive will return quicker than you can say “Honey, can we at least wait until we’re out of the cab?”

If It’s Tuesday
That brings me to my next point -the dreaded routine trap. I should point out that men are just as guilty of this relationship felony (I use this word because it is more grave than a simple misdemeanour) as women. It’s a genuine trans-gender libido diffuser. So let’s talk a little about the trouble with routine. This does not simply apply to the recurring patterns of frequency. There’s so many more factors to consider. First of all, there’s days of the week. Logically, weekends would seem the ideal time for a loving liaison – there’s no business-associated stress, no time pressure (“Honey, could you pick up the pace down there, I’ve got a 9:30 presentation.”) – it all adds up to ideal circumstances for a bit of hard lovin’. Perhaps too ideal. If he knows that Friday evening through to Sunday night is the action zone, he’ll become conditioned to it and you can just kiss spontaneity goodbye. Mix it up, girl, with a little Wednesday wildness and Monday mischief on offer, and your man will experience erotic potential seven days a week. And believe me, that’ll stoke the fire in his bioler.

The same philosophy applies to the time of day you decide to get naked and do the chimichanga. First thing in the morning is always good, as is the minute you both get home from work – the dinner really can wait. I’d also highly recommend the early-morning encounter and by this, I mean really early – like 3am. Trust me on this, no man has ever rolled over and said, “Will you please stop fondling me, I’m trying to get some sleep here.”

Location, Location
Now let’s talk location. For all its wonders and majesty, the boudoir is not the be all and end all when it comes to lovemaking venues. Remember the suspenseful-and-hot The Postman Always Rings Twice? Kitchen table, with Jack Nicholson and Jessica Lange? Boy, when Jack delivers by hand… Still not convinced? Think Mickey Rourke and Kim Basinger’s tryst by the fridge in 9½ Weeks. Getting the picture yet? Use your imagination and watch your lovemaking take on a whole new dimension. We’re not suggesting heading down to your local MRT station to catch a train to Ecstasy Central, the various rooms in your house will suffice. The shower, for example, is always a cracker. Steam, soap, slippery bodies… What can I say? It’s a personal favorite and I’m sure you too will find yours, but you’ve gotta start looking. And remember, as my Auntie Beth (who outlived three husbands) always sid, “You call that carpet burn?”

My final point regarding the use of variety to perk up an ailing male appetite is perhaps the most delicate of all that I’ve mention. Two human bodies are capable of pleasuring one another in many wonderful ways, so experiment a little. There’s a difference between discomfort and curiosity, so don’t do anything you really don’t want to, but by the same token, why go to the supermarket if you’re only going to shop in the one aisle? If you’re stuck for inspiration, there’s a range of sources that should provide you with plenty of ideas that don’t require the stamina of a marathon runner. There are also a few that might require you to start training up for them. Many can be found in books such as the Kama Sutra and The Joy Of Sex. Your willingness to have a go at something new and different is bound to reawaken his lust.

Equipment Failure
When the goodies in the downstairs department don’t do what they’re supposed to, men go through a series of emotions ranging from sheer terror to blind panic, followed by all manner of self-doubt. No matter how much and how often you reassure him, he won’t be able to hear it over the alarm bells ringing in his head. There are numerous causes for flaccidity including stress, prostrate problems and even what is termed the male menopause (but this only strikes men around that age where they feel the urge to buy a sportscar and acquire a 20-year-old mistress on whose butt you can crack walnuts – and quite frankly it serves the bastards right). Once the mouse fails to come out of the house, so to speak, many men become reluctant to try to lure him out again for fear of experiencing a repeat non-performance. It’s now excuse time. He’ll tell you he’s tired or that he just doesn’t feel like it. In truth he’s doubting he can do the job required and I can’t over-emphasise the traumatic psychological effects of this.

I know it sounds irrational, but it’s a totally different ball game for you lot around menopause time – a tube of KY and some hormone replacement therapy and you’re ready for action again. This is a tricky problem to solve and I’d recommend extensive foreplay as your starting point. A long, slow full-body massage with some essential oils is always good, followed by a bit of teasing sensuality and perhaps that one special thing he loves you to do. C’mon now, he must have at least one!

We Have To Talk
I purposely left this entry until quite late in the piece so you at least consider the previous explanations before leaping onto this one. A small number of men who no longer want to have sex with their partners are in this frame of mind because, well, to put it delicately, they’re banging booty somewhere else. Sad but true. How do you tell? A dramatic drop in the frequency you have sex is the prime indicator, but exercise caution when making this observation. Another thing to watch out for is him splurging on loads of sexy new underwear that he only puts on for office days but never on weekends when he’s with you. If he is cheating on you, chances are, he’ll feel obligated to still have sex with you to keep up appearances and arouse your suspicions. Look out for any new techniques (is he kissing differently?) or positions that were never in his repertoire. Once again, restraint and caution are paramount in a situation like this. Before the accusations start flying, make sure you have your facts straight. After all, how would you feel if you’d gone to the trouble of researching a new lovemaking trick in order to spice up bedroom time, only to be told that because you’d never done it before mist mean you’re having an affair?

And Finally…
I was going to end this story by saying there are times (albeit incredibly rare) that men simply don’t feel like it. But I’m afraid this is not so. If you have the place, we have the time. If you have the time, we have the place. If you have the end, we have the means. When men don’t want to make love, there has to be a reason for it. It may be something you can help with, it may be something he can only do alone (now, now, that’s not what I mean), but regardless of what he says, hang in there, keep wearing the lingerie and bide your time. Unless, of course, he happends to be cheating on you, in which case you have every right to sprinkle iron filings into his condom stash – and tell him Missy Yuuko sent ya. Once the crisis passes, he’ll return to the fray with a pent-up passion you’ll recall from your early days together and believe me when I tell you that’s the sexiest kind of nostalgia there is.

Sometimes, two people can hae radically different ideas about where a relationship is going. One can be positive it’s over and plannin the break-up spech, while the other is lissfully unaware that there’s a problem. Here’s how to tell if you’re heading for a fall.

Sometimes, the writing’s so obviously on the wall, it might as well be in neon. In other relationhsips, one person’s planning the wedding menu while the other is planning to leave. According to couples’ counsellors, there are vulnerable points in any partnership – and classic, telltale signs you’re about to split. How does your love affair measure up?

You Or Your Partner Experience A Major Life Change
A new job, move to a new country, the death of a parent or a best friend – any major life change pushes the strongest relationship into a vulnerable position. Change gives us a new perspective: we’re forced to step outside of the same old routine – and even a short break from normality can make us question how happy we really are. Taking a new job or moving town exposes us to new people: it’s easy to stay in a so-so relationship if the only males you mix with are the ancient accounts clerk in the family business where you work. Since more than 65 percent of people meet their future spouse at work, changing jobs can turn up more dates than a disco. Even if you are happy, you’re battling the boring old partner syndrome when you meet new men. Someone new is always more interesting and if the two of you have chemistry and work closely together, watch out!

Your Relationship Is At A Turning Point
You’ve been going out for two years now and everyone’s asking when you’re getting engaged or married. Secretly, you’re both wondering the same thing: is it time to move on or move out? If you’re comfortable with commitment and each other, this can open the lines to some much-needed discussion. But if one partner needs more time and feels pressure to make a decision immediately, leaving may seem the best solution.

You Don’t Make Love As Often As Before
That touch-me-and-I-melt feeling wanes with time in the healthiest relationship – but there’s a huge difference between a natural cooling-off period, and the signals that you’re about to split. The telltale sign is “the cringe factor”: when you do make love, do you enjoy it – or shrink away? If you’re simply caught up with the pressures of life, when both of you finally do make love, it’s great and you wonder why you don’t make the effort more often. But if either of you go into cringe factor, you’re in trouble! Your skin crawls, you close your eyes, shut down your senses – it’s a horrible feeling, you can’t wait for sex to be over! Partners who are in cringe mode will do just about anything to avoid the bedroom. They’ll get drunk, pick a fight, invent exotic illnesses, often be the life of the party simply to avoid going home. Usually, affectionate gestures will also vanish.

One Of You Has Sex With Someone Else
Whether it’s a night with an ex-boyfriend or a one-night stand on a business trip, having sexual contact with someone other than your partner means major trouble. For a start, you’ve broken the pact the two of you had to stay faithful to each other; the relationship loses its “specialness” and you feel less committed. You could also find yourself getting addicted to the risk-taking. If you don’t get caught, it’s a way of satisfying that ‘naughty’ side of us. Other people start playing around because they’re not sure how they feel, so they start “testing” their feelings. Some people just don’t have the guts to say ‘I don’t love you anymore’ so they start cheating. They find it a lot easier to break up by confessing they’ve been unfaithful. Once a partner strays, the relationship is in dire straits. The theory is that there are three things that hold relationships together; play, passion and company. When we meet someone, we react like children and think ‘Wow! Someone I can play with’. When you start seeing other people it means the play has ceased – you’re looking around the recapture that feeling with someone else.

The Blinkers Come Off
The blinkers eventually come off in any relationship and flirting with a guy whose pecs rival Arnie’s need not mean you’re not happily attached. Flirting makes us feel refreshed and desired, and boosts our ego – it’s only when you want to take things further that problems start. Occasionally testing your sexual attractiveness for a bit of a laugh is normal; finding yourself constantly fantasising about different men isn’t.

You Send Out Signals That Others Act On
If you’re happily involved, people ask you out even if you do flirt with them. Subliminally, you’re sending out an “I’m attached” signal even if you are flicking your hair and sliding your fingers along the stem of your wine glass. Start thinking about splitting, however, and it’s a different story. I’m not sure if it’s a chemical thing or not, though it’s certainly said that people give off pheromones. Either way, I do think we advertise your availability. You may have a ring on your finger and appear to be settled in a relationship but from the moment you decide you want an affair, you give off an unconscious ‘I’m available’ message that people respond to. Sometimes, our signals are quite deliberate. If you’re thinking of leaving, you become more aware of your attractiveness and may start flaunting your sex appeal to see how you’d fare if you were single. Same goes for him. If he’s skipping bonding with the boys for a lengthy discussion about fashion with a blushing brunette, consider the danger light on and blinking.

You Stop Talking
Once, you called him five times in as many hours, eager to fill him in on everything that happened in your day. Now, you’ve won that longed-for promotion and find yourself picking up the phone to call someone else first. The nurturing element, the ability to care for each other, is part of the glue that holds us together. If you’re not getting the nurturing from him – or feel you’re giving too much – you’ll turn to others who do it better. Couples who are disenchanted with each other often stop communicating effectively. Conversations fade to a bored “How was work?” thrown over your shoulder as you’re chopping up the vegetables. Not talking about the little things stops you feeling in tune with each other. It’s a fact of life; the person who knows most about us is often the person we feel closest to. We naturally move closer to the person we share our secrets with.

You Stop Arguing
In a university study, researchers asked a group of single men and woman to name the opposite to love. Their answer, predictably was hate. When the same question was posed to married couples, they answered “indifference” – a far more realistic and accurate response, at least according to psychologists. While you’re arguing, the chances are there’s still a relationship there that’s functioning. It’s when you give up on arguing that spells the end. You’ve got to the stage where you’re indifferent: you despair that you’ll ever get your needs met and stop trying.

You Start Seeing Faults
That cute little habit she has of distractedly smoothing hair now seems neurotic; his gregarious personality starts to grate. Your rose-colored glasses have been replaced by magnifying glasses and faults you never noticed before now seem glaringly magnified. Sometimes, our partners do change physically or emotionally into someone who doesn’t attract us anymore. But more often than not, it’s our perceptions that have altered. When you fall out of love, your tolerance level isn’t the same. What was endearing becomes annoying. Finding fault also helps us justify wanting to leave. We gather as many faults as possible as a reason for leaving someone. We try to justify why we’re about to be mean and nasty.

You Avoid Spending Time Together
Couples who can’t even go to the dentist alone are nauseating, but pay attention if you find yourself preferring to do just about everything solo. You’re leaving him out because you feel less restricted and more comfortable on your own. Another clincher: when people stop asking you out as a couple. If the tension between you is so obvious that others notice it, your future together is definitely growing less and less certain. It’s one of the tail-end signs that you’ve drifted apart. If you’re no longer spending time together, you’re no longer communicating or sharing. And of course, it also means you’re free to spend time with someone else.

Living with your parents is tough when you’re 25 and still being treated like a child.

It’s 11am, Sunday morning. Bang… bang… bang… goes my door, followed by the piercing pitch of my mother’s voice yelling “Wake up! Come on, wake up! Look at the time!” How many times have I been startled from slumber in that manner after a late night out? How many times have mother and daughter descended into the same old Sunday morning wrangles? To be honest, I’ve lost count. I’m already 25, single and earning my keep as an account co-ordinator with an advertising agency. But finding my own place is still a pipe-dream, as I struggle rather miserably with my personal finances. I know there’s that old saying “beggars can’t be choosers”, but beggars have a right to privacy and are allowed certain liberties at home aren’t they? I keep trying to impress the fact on my parents, but they just don’t seem to listen.

Take my mother, for instance. She still hasn’t recognised that I am no longer 12 years old. I’m guessing she finds it hard to let go. I could never broach the subject of moving out, having my own space or even making my own decisions. The very suggestion of me leaving home would be absolute sacrilege to her. to impose such a though would have catastrophic consequences. God forbid such unpleasantries, I want none of that. So I hold my tongue and grumble to friends instead. And then there are my father’s etched-in-stone house rules:

» No boys allowed home (which has caused many nerve-wrecking episodes when I’ve to attempt to sneak boyfriends out in broad daylight).

» No friends allowed in the family home without prior permissions.

» Home by 7:30pm for dinner every night.

» No smoking or drinking in the house.

» No vacation plans to be made without consulting my parents first. And, definitely no vacations with boyfrends.

»No loud music.

» Home by 3am after clubbing.

» No phone calls after 11:30pm because I should be asleep by then.

I know I sound like a complete ingrate, but I’ll remind you again that I’m a working woman in her mid-20s, and all I want after a hard day at the office is to head back to my very own little sanctuary for some peace and quiet. I don’t hate living with my parents, but I wush they’d ease up just a little. Of course, I realise it’s not always the parents who are at fault. There are always two sides to every story – I’ll admit that I’m a total pain to live with sometimes. After all, none of us are perfect, we’re all only human.

Eventually, I will pack my bags and fly from my parents’ nest. And that’s both a desirable and scary prospect. I’ll finally consider myself brave enough to face the social responsibilities and unknown realities of living in the adult world, all the stuff my parents have been shielding and gingerly guiding me through for the past 25 years. When that day comes, I’m sure they’ll be nothing but incredilby supportive and proud of me.

Aside from staying at home, never going out and locking yourself in your room… there are so many more steps you can take to prevent a lack-of-money misery. Here are just a few of them.

1. If you take a packed lunch from home, you can save about $7 a day on lunch. In a month, you’ll be $120 – $154 richer!

2. Downloading music from the Internet is cost efficient. Just get yourself the right software and groove to the latest, hippiest sounds around.

3. Go for those “pay as you go” cards (prepaid cards, etc) for your mobile phone. You’ll think twice before you call and it’ll save you loads of money. Alternatively, ditch the mobile phone or switch to a pager!

4. Cab fares can eat up to $250 – $300 a month. Take public transport, or how about a skate-skoot?

5. Go to the library and get the books on loan. Otherwise, get them secondhand instead.

Budgeting

Everyone talks about budgeting. But how can I predict how much I may spend on what, in advance? What I spend in one month may not be the same what I may spend in the following month.

The idea behind budgeting is to understand where and how you are spending your money. Here are a few easy steps that will help you build that bank balance.

Step 1. Make a list of your regular bills – mobile phone or pager, transport, credit cards.

Step 2. Decide how much money you want to save each month, taking into account how much cash you have left after paying your bills.

Step 3. Regard the money you want to save as another bill that needs to be “paid” and leave it automatically deducted into a special savings account every month.

Step 4. Consider what your priorities will be each month, whether Christmas shopping in December, weekend away in February, or spring fashion shopping in April. Allocate a certain amount of money to cover these expenses and stick to it.

step 5. Make sure to give yourself an entertainment allowance each month to spend on fun stuff like clubbing, eating out. Saving money shouldn’t mean leading a miserable life!

For more advice, check out www.enich.edu

Dramatic developments in genetic research are pinpointing more and more genes which predispose us to certain diseases. And half the 50,000 genes in our bodies come from mum. But it doesn’t mean you’re doomed to develop the same problems as she had. By altering your lifestyle, die and exercise habits, you can reduce your chances of following in your mum’s footsteps. Besides, looks aren’t the only things you inherit from your mother, chances are she’s passed on some health problems as well. Asking questions now, and taking preventive actions, could save your life.

1. How’s Her Gynaecological Health?

Uterine Fibroids:
They’re benigh growths in or on the uterus and 70 – 80 percent of women have them. Most don’t notice unless they grow large enough to cause pelvic pain, heavy periods and the urge to urinate or pass stools frequently. It’s difficult to say if fibroids are inherited, because they’re so common. But if your mother or sister had some that cause problems, it’s wise to checl.

Endometriosis:
Scientists can’t pinpoint the cause but there definitely appears to be a hereditary component. Studies suggest if your mum or sister had it, your risk increases to around 7 percent (as opposed to 2 – 3 percent). Symptoms can include back pain, pain during intercourse, abnormal bleeding and a dragging, arching pelvic pain.

Poor Bladder Control:
Common cause of bladder difficulties include pregnancy, childbirth and the presence of a certain type of collagen, which is usually inherited. Some researchers also say you inherit the strength of your pelvic muslce and tightness of ligaments from mum. If they’re poor, you may develop incontinence.

Difficult Pregnancy:
There may be a mother-daughter link, as both may show similarities in the size of their pelvis, how the uterus contracts and how labour progresses. It’s far more important to ask if she had diabetes or high blood pressure during pregnancy. Both are inherited and if there’s a history, you should be monitored by your obstetrician.

Beat The Odds By:
Uterine Fibroids:
Even if there isn’t a family history, it is recommended that all women get screened for uterine enlargement (during a pelvic exam) every year, from your 20s through to 50s. Medication can shrink fibroids or they can be surgically removed.

Endometriosis:
Taking the Pill, which blocks menstruation, can help to ease symptoms and prevent it from progressing. For best results, take it continuously and don’t break for the sugar pills. The best cure for endometriosis seems to be a pregnancy. If you have babies early, you’re less likely to develop it.

Bladder Control:
Doing Kegel exercises daily (tightening and releasing the muscle that controls urine flow) helps immeasurably.

2. When Did She Hit Menopause?
The average age for menopause is around 52 but in rare cases, it can happen as early as your mid-30s. If your mother went through the menopause before 40 (and it wasn’t a result of surgery or chemotherapy), you’re also at rick – something to consider if you’re planning on having children. Usually, women who experience early menopause are born with a small number of eggs. You’re likely to inherit a similar number of eggs as your mother and lose them at a similar rate. Menopause usually occurs when the eggs run out. Your mother’s severity of menopause symptoms – hot flashes, cold sweats and insomnia – may also be passed on as they’re influenced by how your body handles oestrogen.

Beat The Odds By:
» Planning on having children early, if you want a family.

» Not smoking and watching your alcohol intake. One study showed that smokers can start menopause up to eight years earlier than would have naturally occurred. Alcohol can lower oestrogen levels, also making early menopause more likely.

» Starting hormone replacement therapy early, when you first start to skip periods. There’s evidence that taking estrogens more than five years after menopause increases the incidence of breast cancer, but it’s very slight and this has to be balanced against the significant positive benefits.

3. How’s Her Dental Health?
If your mother had crooked teeth or needed orthodontic treatment as a child, there’s a tendency for you to inherit her dental problems. Though if you inherited the right type of genes from your father and he had great teeth, you can be lucky. But you need not get all your parents’ dental problems as it’s also possible that their bad teeth are a result or poor diet, or not having enough access to a dentist. There is a rare genetic disorder (called amelogenesis imperfecta) which affects the outer layer of the tooth, but only one in 14,000 have it. Gum diseases isn’t thought to be hereditary – it’s a build-up of plaque which predominantly causes inflammation, bleeding or receding gums and tooth loss.

Beat The Odds By:
» Watching your intake of sugar and acidic drinks. It’s okay to indulge occasionally but every time you do, you’re subjecting your teeth to an acid attack. Carry a toothbrush with you and brush teeth after meals to get rid of food debris (dry brush if you don’t have toothpaste at hand).

» Scheduling six-monthly dental check-ups. You may need to go more often or less, depending on your dental history.

» Developing good oral hygiene habits. Brush twice a day, using a fluoride toothpaste, change toothbrushes every two months, floss at least once a day.

» Avoid smoking, red wine, coffee and tea or reducing such stains by rinsing with water after.

4. What’s The Family History Of Cancer?

Breast:
All of us are at risk (there’s a one in 12 chance for the average female) but if you have three or more first or second degree relatives (mother, sister and grandmother, for instance) who were hit by breast cancer pre-50 or menopause, particularly in both breasts, your risk does rise. But despite public perception, only 5 to 15 percent of total cases have a strong family history. Two breast cancer genes have been identified – BRCA1 and BRCA2. If you’re one of the few unlucky enough to inherit them, your lifetime risk could be as high as 50-60 percent. BRCA1 may also predispose you to ovarian cancer (Men can also carry the gene so ask about your father’s family). Early onset of your periods, having children post-30 and being overweight are also suspected.

Ovarian:
The normal risk in one in 70 but a strong family history of ovarian cancer can make it five times greater. Symptoms include abdominal pain or swelling, persistent constipation or diarrhoea, nausea, indigestion, unexplained weight loss or abnormal bleeding.

Beat The Odds By:
» Examining your breasts monthly, after your period. The better you know your own breasts and what they usually feel like, the more chance you have of picking up a change. Get your doctor to examine your breasts annually and also check that your self-examination technique is adequate. A lump, dimpling, discharge from the nipples, any change in the skin over them (including redness) or unusual pain should be attended to immediately.

» If your mother or sister have had breast cancer, discuss with your GP whether you should have early mammograms, perhaps starting in your 30s rather than the usual 40/50.

» Watching your diet. Include cancer-fighting foods like fruit and vegetables (especially green produce like broccoli and cabbage). Regular exercise may also lower your risk.

» Cutting down on alcohol. Studies consistently link breast cancer and alcohol consumption. Stick to less than three drinks a week. As with any disease, smoking exacerbates it.

Ovarian:
» Having a pelvic examination once or twice a year and asking your doctor about ultrasound screenings and a blood test for ovarian cancer. If your mum has it, get tested from age 35 on.

» The Pill helps protect against ovarian cancer after six months’ use.

» Reducing dairy food and animal fat.

5. Does She Have Heart Disease?
Overseas research suggests coronary disease (affecting the arteries that supply blood to the heart) shows a definite mother-daughter link. if your mother or sister developed it before age 55 or either of your parents had a heart attack before they were 60, you’re at high risk. High cholesterol and trigyceride levels and high blood pressure also appear to be passed on. One in 500 of us inherits familial hypercholesterolaemia, a condition where blood cholesterol levels are twice the norm. There are eight risk factors for heart disease. Three of them – family history, being male (or a post-menopausal female) and your age – you can do nothing about. The other five (smoking, high blood cholesterol and triglyceride levels, high blood pressure, under-exercising and being overweight) are within your control.

It is recommended that every woman over 25, particularly those with a family history, gets her blood pressure taken annually and a cholesterol check .If it’s 5.5 or below, there’s no need to check again for another three to five years. But if it’s above, you need to diet and exercise to bring that down to a normal range. And if you’re even slightly overweight, you’re 80 percent more at risk of heart disease. Your waist shouldn’t measure more than 80cm: abdominal obesity is dangerous. If you’re apple-shaped (tend to carry weight around your stomach) you’re more at risk than if you’re pear-shaped (carry it around your hips and thighs).

Beat The Odds By:
The good news is, by changing your lifestyle and modifying risk factors, you can reduce your chances of getting any of these illnesss by 50 – 80 percent.

» Eating low-fat, low-cholesterol foods. Fresh fruit and vegetables are loaded with natural chemicals which protect against narrowing of the arteries. Reduce saturated fats like cheese, cream and butter and look for low-fat diary alternatives. Eat chicken, lots of fish and three portions of lean red meat per week.

» Exercising. It maintains a healthy weight, reduces high blood pressure and keeps cholesterol levels low. As little as half-an-hour walking a day lowers your risk of cardiovascular disease.

» Quit smoking. Smokers account for 17 percent of all coronary heart disease deaths. Watch your alcohol intake as well: it’s fermented sugar, which sends triglyceride levels rocketing.

» Getting a full check-up with your doctor around menopause – before, if you smoke, have high blood pressure or high cholesterol.

6. Does She Get Migraines?
There’s definitely a hereditary link. It is estimated you have a 30 percent chance of suffering if either of your parents do; UK research puts that figure higher, claiming in seven out of 10 migraine cases, there’s a family history. We’re all potential migraine sufferers, it’s our threshold – how quickly one is triggered – which is inherited. There are varying dregrees of migraines. Some people just get a blinding headache, others neurological symptoms as well (temporary loss of vision, speech and dizziness). In a severe attack, you might feel paralysed, as by a stroke. What causes migraine remains a mystery though a migraine gene, found in a part of the cell called the calcum channel, has recently been discovered. There’s also undoubtedly a relationship between the menstrual cycle and migraines because some people get more or less on the Pill. Although most of us associate migraines with stress, it’s more likely the relief of it that’s a trigger, it’s quite common for sufferers to get them on weekends or the first few days of holidays, when stress is removed, than during a busy work week.

Beat The Odds By:
» Maintaining regular sleeping patterns. Too little or too much may both be triggers for migraines.

» Keeping a migraine diary. Keep track of your stress levels, sleep patterns, what you ate and drank to isolate personal triggers. Some are food linked (red wine, fried food, cheese, chocolate, coffee and seafood are common culprits) though it’s now thought a craving for these foods is more likely a warning sign that an attack is already on its way, rather than the cause of it. Most migraine sufferers figure out what prompts their migraines. It’s then usually a case of taking preventive medication during high risk period.

7> Does She Have A History Of Depression?
Depression is hereditary but that’s not all that causes it. If your mother gets clinically depressed, you have a 10 – 20 percent chance of also suffering. The earlier and more severe the onset, the higher your risk. However, remember that “you’re susceptible if either parent suffers but it’s the difficulties and pressures of modern life that causes it”. If your mother takes medication – like Prozac, an anti-depressant – it could mean you’ll also respond to the same drug. Anxiety disorders – like panic attacks and obsessive-compulsive disorder – also appear to be hereditary, as is drug or alcohol addiction. Manic depression and schizophrenia are also strongly inheritable. it’s worth asking your parents about Alzheimer’s disease too. On average, half the children of an affected parent will get Alzheimer’s later in life.

Beat The Odds By:
» Getting treatment early. You can’t prevent depression but it’s very optimistic that you can get good results from various forms of counselling and/or medication.

» Not being ashamed to admit you’re depressed. Depression is a medical problem and like all other illnesses, it needs treatment.

» Reducing stressful events as far as possible. Try not to plan high-stress triggers (changing jobs, moving, getting married or pregnant) back-to-back.

» Not relying on alcohol or other drugs to lift your spirits. That only covers up the real problem.

» If you’re sleeping badly, find it hard to concentrate, feel irritable or teary for no apparent reason, see a counsellor. We all go through periods of unhappiness but depression is distinguishable by the length (it lasts longer than two weeks), severity (feelings are intense, sometimes even suicidal) and a negative effect on your life (work and relationships suffer because you lack energy and motivation and are constantly irritable). If being miserable is disrupting your life, it’s probably depression.

8. Could She Have Diabetes?
There are two types. Type 1 (insulin dependent) and Type 2 or mature onset diabetes (non-insulin dependent). Type 2 accounts for 85 percent of all cases and tends to develop after the age of 40, though it can occur earlier. Both types of diabetes have a genetic component. Your risk of developing Type 1 diabetes is around 5 percent if your father has it but only 1 percent if your mother does. With Type 2, if one parent has it, your risk is around 20 – 30 percent, and it’s higher if both do. If you or your siblings weighed over 4k at birth, it could indicate gestational diabetes (diabetes during pregnancy) which predisposes you and your mother to developing Type 2 later in life. Be alert to the symptoms. Diabetes makes you feel excessively thirsty, tired and urinate more than normal. Other signs: blurry vision, infections that are slow to heal and recurrent thrush. Type 1 symptoms may be accompanied by rapid weight loss.

Beat The Odds By:
» Exercising and staying within a healthy weight range. There’s evidence you can delay – even prevent – Type 2 by managing your weight and keeping fit. Excess body fat, particularly around your stomach, can be a trigger as it interferes with the action of insulin.

» Opting for low-fat, hgh-fibre foods. Eating sugar doesn’t cause diabetes and it’s okay to have a little so long as it’s part of an overall healthy eating plan.

9. Has She Had Any Serious Eye Problems?
If either of your parents wore glasses very young or have serious eye problems or diseases, you could also be at risk. If your mother mentions she’s been seeing a doctor for glaucoma since she was 20, I’d be hotfooting it off to your GP even if your vision is 100 percent normal. Glaucoma used to be thought of as an “old people’s” disease. But you can be born with it and lots of young people are affected. It causes the pressure in the eye to build up, damage nerves and can make you blind. There are no early symptoms but does appear to be hereditary.

Beat The Odds By:
» Keeping healthy and getting lots of rest. Old-fashioned things like eating well and resting are important for the eyes. Eyes are sensitive indicators of the general health of the person.

» Wearing approved sunglasses to protect your eyes with glasses whenever you’re outside. Check for how much UVA and UV radiation the lenses let through.

» Getting up and walking around now and then, if your work means that you stare at computer screens a lot, and remind yourself to blink. There’s not a lot of evidence to show that staring at screens is damaging, but if you work in air-conditioning, you’ll tend to blink less often and your eyes will dry out.

10. Does She Have Osteoporosis?
It does tend to be passed on and we know there’s an increased risk if there’s a strong family history, so take steps now to guard against it. Osteoporosis is essentially brittle bones, usually caused by bone loss after menopause when our own supply of oestrogen runs low and can no longer prevent calcium from being lost from bones. Low bone mass in your 20s and 30s is strongly linked to osteoporosis. The New England Journal Of Medicine found daughters of women with osteoporosis have lower than average bone density. Many of the risk factors appear genetic: early menopause (natural or surgical) – both rob the body of oestrogen, fair skin, a small, delicate frame and a tendency to be on the thin side. If you over-exercise and don’t take adequate calcium, you may develop it before menopause (women as young as 30 have had it). Usually, it’s discovered via X-rays when a fracture occurs. If your mother is still too young to show signs, ask if either of your grandmothers suffered.

Beat The Odds By:
» Doing weight-bearing exercise, especially before age 35. That means any exercise when you’re carrying your own weight, like jogging, walking, weights, aeroics. It’s recommended you do around four hours a week.

» Eating a high-calcium diet, again before age 35. Make skim milk, low-fat, high-calcium dairy products, fish (especially sardines) and dark green leafy vegetables part of your staple diet. Add foods high in magnesium, like whole grains and turkey – it’s another natural bone-builder. Also consider boosting your diet with calcium supplements if you’re too lazy or busy to plan meals.

» Not smoking. It weaken bones.

» Consider going for hormone replacement therapy around the time of your own menopause, if your mother had an early menopause.

» Get a bone density test done around the time that you start showing menopausal symptoms.

Gifts that’ll grab him

Aries
For this action-packed leader, get him glam sunglasses, cool car accessories, tickets to a match, or a chance to check out some mad sport like skydiving.

Taurus
He loves the good life and luxury; so go for the best cigars or cognac, a mohair sweater or silk shirt, monogrammed writing set, a leather armchair or hand-made tools for his birthday.

Gemini
For this Peter Pan gor for games, puzzles, gadgets, anything hi-tech for the home or office. He enjoys fun clothes and accessories too, so don’t try and turn him into a grown-up yet!

Cancer
For this homeody, go for excellent beer or wine glasses, a family portrait, luxury bathrobe or PJs, or saws, hammers and drills and as many cuddles as you can fit in!

Leo
The king loves to be pampered, so go for a VIP box at his favorite sporting event, the best food and wine. Anything in gold, flashy designer clothes, or a glitzy night out on the town.

Virgo
As he’s a nest freak, what about a tool box or a personal organiser? His body is his temple so go for a gym membership. Perhaps stylish neutral accessories for his home.

Libra
This romancer would love a CD, a luxurious shirt and some pampering bath goodies. Though you – in a tiny lacy thing on Christmas morning – would also be great!

Scorpio
Go for a wine course or beer-making kit, vineyard membership or a fine decanter. As he loves mystery, a good spy novel would work; but so would a few naughty bedroom toys…

Sagittarius
As he loves to explore, unusual artefacts or something to do with travel (books, tickets…) would thrill! Or tickle his funnybone with a joke book or a comic film.

Capricorn
This traditionalist likes the best in life but will rarely treat himself! So what about a vintage brandy, antiques, a good wallet or pen, gardening things, or a stylish silver tie-pin and cufflinks?

Aquarius
He’s a mad eccentric and likes anything different. Try inventive gadgets, a donation to his favorite charity or name a star after him. Book gifts should feature great activists in history.

Pisces
As this dreamer loves to lose himself go for music, a camera, photography course, dance lessons or a set of his favorite old movies; but he’s also a sucker for aftershave.

They lie, cheat and steal, howl and scream, ansd suck you dry before tossing you aside. Bad bosses: you can’t live with them and you can’t run them over, so here’s how to cope with their problems personalities.

Bad Boss Type: The Burglar

How To Spot Them:
This person happily adapts other people’s ideas to advance his own career. You thought of a way to reduce office stationery overheads? Your boss is with the accountant right now, mouthing off about his cost-cutting plan. You have a great campaign idea for a client? Your boss is on the phone, telling them all about it. How will you ever get anywhere if your contributions aren’t recognised?

Coping Strategy:
If you’re a member of the support staff, it can be very difficult. Try to document your ideas, keep them in a file and, when your appraisal comes around, point out that this is what you contributed and why you deserve a promotion or a raise. Another suggestion is to only put your ideas forward at staff meetings, when more than one person will hear them. If you’re higher up the career ladder, put your suggestions in a memo or e-mail to your boss that you “cc” to other colleagues or supervisors. You can add a note saying, “This is an idea I had that I’d like input on from other people,” to cover your reason for cc-ing it.

Bad Boss Type: The Swinger

How To Spot Them:
Easily confused with The Terrorist, but the difference is that this boss has moments of total approachability mixed with tantrums. Mandy, a 25-year-old architect, used to gauge her boss’s mood by monitoring his coffees. Two double lattes and the door closed meant troule; a cappucino and leisurely browsing through the newspaper signalled his mood was sweet. He was tolerant and open to ideas; in the next instant, he screamed about even the simplest things. “You never really know what sort of day you were going to have,” Mandy says. “I was constantly on edge.”

Coping Strategy:
Career advisers say the sanity-saving move here is to determine some kind of pattern to their behaviour. Then, when you’ve worked out when the bad moods are most likely to hit, the best thing you can do is to stay away. When you think the boss is in a good mood, that’s the time to approach.

Bad Boss Type: The Vampire

How To Spot Them:
He feels it’s his prerogative to call you at home at night or on weekends. And if he needs you to work late, or on Saturday, you’d better count yourself in. And if you have the bad luck to be his secretary, he’ll want you to run his personal life, do his errands and lie to his partner too.

Coping Strategy:
Before you take a job, you should find out if you’ll be required to work weekends, or perform personal errands. If the answer is “sometimes”, that means “yes”. If you’re managerial staff, you will probably want to come in on Saturdays or work late if required, to show that you are professional. However, this shouldn’t be the case all the time. If you’re support staff, ask if some of your work could be delegated elsewhere, or if there’s anything you can start earlier in the day or week, to eliminate last minute panic. With personal errands, either make a game of it or look for another job. Some people like the chance to get out of the office, while others find such chores humiliating. If it’s the latter, tell the boss you have work you need to finish, and that doing those errands will mean it doesn’t happen.

Bad Boss Type: The Gal Pal

How To Spot Them:
No power trips or whip-cracking here – this boss just wants to be liked. It might start with a simple invitation to lunch. Next, it’s dinner – soon you’ll find it almost impossible to disagree with her over work issues. After all, you’re friends. To her, that means unconditional support – something you may not always be willing to give.

Coping Strategy:
It’s good to work in a friendly place, but you need to know where to draw the line. However reluctant your boss is to lay down the law, she does need to exercise authority – and that means not getting too personal. Find reasons to gently refuse her invitations. While you don’t want to be too aloof at work, you may want to politely let your boss know that you prefer to keep your personal and business lives separate.

Bad Boss Type: The Conspiracy Theorist

How To Spot Them:
You’re called into the boss office’s. She wants to know why you were talking to the MD in the lift today. In fact, you said, “Hello, which floor?” Trouble is, this boss is convinced you’re out to get her job. She will treat good ideas with fear and suspicion, and will eyeball the outfit you wear to work if it’s more expensive than hers, or if you look better in it. Watch out! If she suspects you’re dressing for success, or sucking up to senior management, you’ll be out of there faster than she can say, “You’re fired!”

Coping Strategy:
You have to give this boss positive feedback. Make sure she knows you admire and look up to her – reassure her that you’re not after her job. Make sure she knows you’re willing to be a part of her team, and you’re not working hard just to outshine her.

Bad Boss Type: The Terrorist

How To Spot Them:
He yells. Screams. The office is a warzone. You leave the office with your head ringing and your hopes destroyed. Says Linda, a 27-year-old web designer. “it didn’t seem to matter what I did, I couldn’t please my boss. He’d argue about everything, even the most simple design points or ideas. And if I answered back, or in any way tried to defend myself, he’d go crazy.”

Coping Strategy:
The terrorist boss may have a basic personality disorder that dates back to when your boss was the school bully. Unfortunately, often the only solution is to leave. If you want to stick it out, you’ll have to ensure your performance is constantly up to scratch, so there are fewer reasons for tantrums. You must also resist the impulse to fight back, or the battle will intensify. It’s important that you try not to escape the situation. Remain calm and, when your boss has settled down, apologise if their anger was caused by something you did. If it wasn’t, tell yourself that your boss’s anger is not personal and try not to take it that way. You could also try going for a quick 10 minutes walk, by then, you should have cooled off a little and won’t say anything you’ll regret. Or try deep breathing, as you chant to yourself: “I will not kill my boss, I will not kill my boss…”

No time for the gym? Try these 21 ways to get fit without leaving your desk!

1. Get a Jennifer Lopez butt
Stand behind your chair: legs together, feet facing forward. Slowly raise your right leg behind you, tightening your buttocks as you do so. Go as high as you can without arching your back, then return to standing. Repeat 12 – 15 times, then change sides. It’s much easier than most bum exercises. Just make sure no-one’s standing behind you.

2. De-stress with cybercats
Keeping a cat is great for reducing blood pressure and de-stressing. Rather than trying to sneak Patch into the office, download a cyberkitty at www.catslikefelix.com – he’ll keep you company sans furballs.

3. Bag yourself Gisele-like boobs
Sitting down, extend your arms in front of you. Bend your right arm and put your right hand in your left-elbow pit and position your left arm so your left hand cups your right elbow. Press your hands into arms, feeling your pectoral muscles tighten. Hold a couple of seconds then release. Repeat 10 times. It’s the pectoral muscles behind your breasts that keep your breasts lifted. Do this exercise regularly and you’ll be amazed at how much more toned they’ll look.”

4. Wave wobbly arms goodbye
Grab a stretchy jumper in your left hand and drop your left hand over your left shoulder and down your back. Bend your right arm up your back and grab the bottom of the jumper. Straighten your left arm so you stretch your jumper – feel the back of your arm tighten as you do so. Hold for a few seconds, then return to the starting position. Repeat 10 times, then change sides. Just don’t try this with your workmate’s new cashmere sweater!

5. Chill out
Forget about sweating it out on the treadmill – popping ice in your glass of mineral water is a great way to burn off the calories. Your body uses more calories when the water you’re drinking is cold because it has to wotk harder to keep your body temperature.

6. Get mystic
Buy a piece of clear or rose quartz for your desk. Placing it near your computer will soak up the stress-causing electromagnetic emissions it gives out.

7. Select your calves
Sit down, take your shoes off and put your fleet flat on the ground, lift your toes and balls of your feet and drop back down as if you’re pedalling a bike. Repeat 10 times. Then, keeping your toes on the ground, lift your heels 10 times.

8. Firm your chin
Place your hands behind your head. Stick your chin out and feel the muscles in the back of your neck tighten. Hold for a couple of seconds, return to start position, then repeat 10 times.

9. Bye bye to flabby thighs
Sit with your legs slightly apart, roll up your coat or a chunky jumper and put it between your thighs. Bring your knees together, squeezing your inner thighs as you do so. Hold for a couple of seconds and release. Repeat 12 – 15 times.

10. Daydream your way to happiness
Get that post-gym high by drifting off for a few minutes. Daydreaming increases immune-boosting chemicals and puts you in a better mood, according to UK scientists. Just make sure you don’t get carried away and end up falling into a long, deep sleep!

11. Eat!
Not only will missing lunch mean you’ll be reaching for a Kit-Kat come 3pm, it’ll also make you more stressed. UK scientists discovered that people who skip lunch are more likely to make mistakes and have a shorter attention span. Avoid the three Ss – sugar, salt and stimulants (tea and coffee) – which will make you feel lethargic. Also avoid bread, which is really hard to digest. Instead, go for a chicken or hummus salad or sushi, which are all packed with nutrients. As tempting as it is to reach for the chocolate, try not to – your blood sugar level will peak and then drop so you’ll feel really tired afterwards. Opt for fruit instead, such as strawberries, which contain more vitamin C than oranges.

12. Drink to your health
Drink fruits and vegetales the minute they’re juiced and you’ll get 9 percent of their nutrients compared to only 35 percent if you eat them raw. So pick some up on your way into work!

13. Waist away
Sitting up straight, put your hands on the back of your chair behind your bum. Gently pull your tummy in, and twist your body to your right so you’re looking over your shoulder. Breathe in, breathe out and try to twist a little bit further. This is a great exercise for loosening up your lower-back, which can suffer when you’ve been slumped at your desk and for toning your oblique muscles, which give your waist definition.

14. Head off hand strain
If you’ve handled your keyboard more than your boyfriend lately, stand up and place your palms on your desk. Press firmly for five seconds, then release. Repeat four times.

15. Boost your orgasms
Sitting in your chair, squeeze your pelvic area as if you’re trying to stop yourself peeing an you’re sucking up water inside yourself. Hold for a couple of seconds, then release. Repeat 10 times. As well as improving the appeareance of your tummy, strengthening this deep layer of abdominal muscles gives you more control during sex and bigger orgasms.

16. Banish that eye-ache
Stop eyestrain (and subsequent headaches) by giving your eyes a mini-workout. Look as far as you can to the right, then to the left. Then look up, then down. Finally, close your eyes, place the palms of your hands over your eyes, resting your fingers on your forehead for a few minutes. This will give your eyes a break from the harsh office light and the heat of your hands will bring blood flow to your eyes, which alleviates tiredness.

17. Have some daily male
Don’t grumble next time your boss makes you organise a parcel of courier – hand it over personally to the courier and you’ll feel the troubles of the day drift away. Why? Men’s sweat contains a pheromone that makes us less tense and nervous, according to research. (Of course, this probably only works if he looks like Brad Pitt or Johnny Depp.)

18. Beautify your biceps
Put your hands palm upwards on the underside of your desk, with your elbows bent at right angles. Push up firmly against the desk, feeling the muscles in your upper arms contract. Hold in this position for three seconds and then release. Repeat 15 times.

19. Energise yourself
Why tire yourself out on the rowing machine when sticking a Peace Lily on your desk can perk you up as well? Not only are they great for filtering and cleansing pollutants in the air, they also increase oxygen, which will make you feel more energetic.

20. Get a model midriff
Forget sit-ups, tone your abs by sucking your bellybutton in towards the base of your spine. Hold for a count of two, then release. Repeat 12 – 15 times. Sit up straight while you do this exercise and you’ll be improving your posture at the same time.

21. R-E-L-A-X
If you’re feeling under the weather, staring out of the window at trees will speed up your recovery, according to research in the US. If stress is the problem and the view from your desk is grey rather than green, draw a green circle on a piece of paper and stare at it. Focus on the dot, concentrate on your breathing and try to slow it down. Try to transport yourself away to a beautiful beach or the countryside. You’ll be amazed at how much calmer and in control you’ll feel afterwards.

Stop worrying about the difficulties of sending signals from Venus to Mars – Mars And Venus… Actually hvae the solution to better communication in your relationship.

You’ve heard it a million times – the secret to a good relationship is communication. And it’s totally true; without it a relationship can quickly wither. So how come we haven’t learned to be better at it? Put simply, it’s because men and women communicate in such different ways that we may appear to be speaking foreighn languages sometimes. Tell me everything I don’t know, I hear you cry. Well, let’s get specific about the most common communication problems between the sexes and how to deal with them.

The “thing” Thing
Problem: The most significant of these differences is that women primarily focus on people, whereas men make objects their No. 1 priority. This trait is evident from early childhood and manifests itself in the way men prefer to discuss business, sports, gadgets and how things work. Or, as Dr Ken Druck, author of The Secrets Men Keep, says, “Men are adept at talking about things, rather than their feelings about the things.” Women, on the other hand, communicate mostly about people and their responses, problems, reactions, failings and foibles. Even at work, women are far more likely to e sensitive to how individuals work together, tensions within a work group, or how best to create a smooth workin environment. The shared experience of a conversation is crucial to women, who will often ask questions to maintain the momentum of the interaction, whereas men simply regard questions – and often conversations – as an efficient manner of exchanging information. This is further complicated by the fact that, linguistically speaking, men live in a world of competition where every exchange has a winner and a loser – whereas women collaborate.

Solution: Try to talk about the things he loves, stuff like football and Ferraris. Although it may seem to have the emotional nourishment of a Matt Le Blanc movie, he will feel closer to you for having shared something that he is passionate about. And he should return the favour. Point out that it’s through talking about people and their experiences that you form the strongest bond with them. While “thing” talk is fine, explain that you find it almost impersonal and distancing – as if he’s feeling afraid to reveal his innermost self.

Jekyll And Hide
Problem: You’re at a party and he’s hoggin’ the floor, telling joke after joke. But you get into the car to go home and it’s as if he’s metamorphosed into an mute chauffeur. Not a word. This behaviour relates back to the “things” versus “people” conversation mentality. More specifically, the intimate circumstances of home life or even a car ride are better suited to women’s style of communication. “While women sometimes express to express,” explains relationships Joe Tannenbaum, :men almost always express to resolve. These respective traits cause most damage in times of relationship strife, as many women feel ‘the relationship’ is working as long as we can talk about it.’ Men, on the other hand, are usually more inclined to take the view that ‘the relationship is not working if we have to talk about it’.”

Solution:When you’re alone together, be mindful of engulfing him in conversations about subjects – such as people, emotions and people’s emotions – with which he’s not comfortable. This is not to say these conversations should not take place. After all, you deserve emotional sustenance and he needs training. Try to make sure he understands that you like to talk for the sake of talking because suich an emotional exchange makes you feel closer to him.

A Paler Shade of Grey
Problem: Men live in a world that’s black and white, whereas women inhabit one that’s coloured by a million different shades of grey. Men are on a mission to make a point, they assume that women have the same agenda and become frustrated with what they see as pointless tangents. A case in point: my friend’s colleague has a shocking taste in men. It’s one loser after another. Recently, we met the latest instalment in this cavalcade of mediocrity and I muttered “yet another beauty”. My friend, on the other hand, the head of the Freud squad, was interested in why her colleague kept selecting below-par suitors. Did it make her feel superior? Did it give her an easy out when the heady romance wore off? Was this the kind of man her father was? While I feel this approach does have its merits, these theories – whether prove or unproven – do nothing to alter the reality of the situation. Yet men’s penchant for sticking to facts have dangerous consequences. Especially when communicating with women who read between the lines. “What men find worth telling are facts about such topics as history, sports, politics are how things work,” wrote Deborah Tannen in You Just Don’t Understand. “Women often perceive the telling of facts as lecturing, which not only does NOT carry a meta-message of rapport, but carries instead of a meta-message of condescension: I am the teacher, you are the student. I’m knowledgeable, you’re ignorant.”

Solution: Say what you mean to him and try not to over-analyse what he says to you. Nine times out of 10, he’s being straight down the line, I swear. He, in turn, has to develop patience with your right to analyse what others say and do, as it is your way of understanding the world around you. (Plus, it’s probably far more sophisticated than his blinkered approach). Let him understand that by sharing your analytical revelations with him, you feel more intimate as a couple.

Laying Down The Law
Problem: Historically speaking, men have had the power, the money and the patriarchy to back them up when making demands. Women, however, have had to be more circusmpect and diplomatic about attaning their goals and have been rather unjustly accused of being sneaky and manipulative. But the reverse is true in the private domain: “When trying to negotiate mutual preferences and decisions, women are often more indirect than men,” explains Deborah Tannen. “But when it comes to talking about their personal relationships and feelings, it’s the men who are indirect.”

Solution: Quit saying things like “What would you think if we were to…” or “I’m not sure if this is right but…” or “If it’s ok with you.” If you want to do something, tell him. If you want to say something, say it.

The Word Race
Problem: How many times have you been chatting with a man when you begin to suspect that instead of listening, he’s simply waiting for you to pause for breath so that he can jump in with his point of view? Plenty, I’ll bet. Women tend to be better listeners than men, who often perceive the role of listener as inferior. As a result, they’ll often challenge the speaker, or more specifically, their facts. “Since women tend to build rapport, they’re inclined to play down their expertise rather than display it,” notes Tannen. Women tend to view the roles of talker and listener as equal in the quest to enhance understanding and intimacy. Facts, figures and power plays rarely figures in these talks. Listening is one of the greatest communication challenge within a relationship. Many couples feel that because they’ve been together so long, each knows how the other thinks and feels, without having to listen or ask. “This becomes particularly apparent when they argue,” says Dr Bob Montgomery in Living & Loving Together. “Both are so busy preparing the next verbal salvo inside their heads that neither has the time to listen to what the other has actually said.”

Solution: Since your listening skills are probably more than adequate and his are probably practically non-existent, it would be wiser not to live in hope of re-wiring his brain. Instead of pleading for him to not only listen to you but also indicate that he’s actually comprehending what you’re saying, become proactive and make him hear you. Hone your speaking skills, don’t be afraid to challenge him and it worst comes to worst, give him a taste of his own reticence by cutting down the amount of verbal and non-verbal feedback you gave while he’s spouting forth.

To The Rescue
Problem: The final major communication battleground between the sexes is that of crisis. When women go to their mate with an emotional problem, they seek empathy and understanding. Unfortunately, what they receive are solutions: a plan of action to resolve and therefore negate the dilemma. Not so fast, Einsten. Men fail to understand that women have cottoned only the true healing power of empathy and they like giving it as much as they need to receive it. Most guys also don’t realise that women like to talk a problem out, elaborating details and experiencing an emotional catharsis, which is as important as any conclusion they might reach.

Solution: Point out to your man that although his ready-made problem-solvers to your every emotional problem are appreciated, you’d be far better supported through such crisis if he were aware of the following three responses from Chris Evatt’s He & She:

» She is upset, wants empathy now and advice some other time – maybe even never.

» She is upset, wants empathy now and solutions only after she expresses her feelings.

» She is not upset and wants to discuss a solution to the problem.

You’ve been promoted. He told you he loves you. You got that apartment. Congratulations! There’s just one problem… a niggling little voice in your head that won’t let you enjoy your success. Here’s how to silence those negative thoughts for good.

Life was going well for Jean, She’d been promoted, received a fabulous salary increase, and her incredibly romantic boyfriend proposed by placing a gorgeous diamond ring on top of her dessert at a swanky restaurant – just like in the movies. So why did Jean call her best friend the next day and practically break down on the phone? “I felt so good, so increadibly happy, that I was terrified it would all go wrong. When you really want something badly, it keeps you going. When you get it, you just get scared it’ll all be taken away again,” she explains.

You’re Not Alone
Jean has a very understanding friend who, rather than tell her to grow up and accept her good fortune, agreed and told her, “I know exactly what you’re talking about. You’re suffering from the Big Foot syndrome.” The Big Foot Syndrome, or what I call the “Where d’you think you’re going” syndrome, is when life unexpectedly gets good or simply stops being awful. You start to think, Oh yes, when’s the Big Foot gonna drop on my head and squash me flat? The Big Foot is very clever. It knows when to leave you alone. And it knows when to strike – just as you think your life is turning a corner, bang! Down it comes. You didn’t think you’d get away with any real happiness now, did you? Most people have some degree of self-doubt and question their own worth, especially when success has come to them. There are some arrogant souls who act like they deserve the best and mean it. But nice people – people like you and me – question the randomness of good fortune far more than we question the bad. In a society where hard work is supposed to be its own reward, we expect to earn favours and even when we do, we still question our own worth.But there’s something more insidious to this Big Foot fear: for some women, women like Jean, there’s a message from childhood that says she doesn’t deserve to be happy. So, rather than enjoy the success she worked hard for, she’s full of self-doubt. Taken to the extreme, this can be a self-fulfilling prophecy – you don’t think you deserve happiness, so you work like a demon to ruin it for yourself.

Stop Self-Dout
Fortunately, Jean’s great pal assured her that she was indeed entitled to her success and warned her not to blow it with too much self-anlysis. Carol was not so lucky. The eldest child of three sisters and one younger brother, Carol had always grown up in her younger brother’s shadow. “My parents wanted a boy first, so I was a huge disappointment to them. When the longed-for-boy, Alan, arrived, he was treated like the eldest and received all the favours and accolades a first-born usually does. Then, when my sisters Leanne and Margaret came along, my parents accepted them as girls because they had their boy then.” This might sound like sour grapes but I know Carol well and I know her parents too. The favouritism towards Alan is painfully obvious. You don’t need to be a psychologist to recognise it. Example: when Alan started work, his adoring mother dressed him from head to toe in Armani to ensure the world knew her boy was going to amount to something. A year earlier, when Carol had graduated from university and found a decent job, her mother reluctantly gave her a $0 gift voucher with a grudging “well done”.

Alan has found love, happiness and career success. Carol? Now the other side of 30, she’s never had a relationship that’s lasted more than six months. As soon as a man tells Carol he loves, or even likes her, she does her damnedest to ruin it. Or so it seems. Carol didn’t recognise this until Alan’s wedding last year. Then, like suddenly acquiring vision for the first time, she felt desperately lonely and left out. She pulled her best friend aside – typically Carol had taken a girlfriend to the bash, not a boyfriend – and wept so copiously her friend nearly called an ambulance. Her friend had never seen such heartbreaking distress. “I wanted to smash her smug, self-satisfied parents in the face for making Carol feel so bad,” says her friend. But Alan’s wedding was a huge turning point for Carol. Tired to trying to compete with her younger brother, she dropped out of her well-paid publishing job and opened a New Age centre. Here, she came in contact with therapists for the first time, and realised that rather than helping others, she desperately needed to help yourself. “I know my case is probably a bit extreme but in many ways, that actually makes it easier to ‘cure’, because the messages I got from my childhood were so blatant and cruel,” she says. For Carol, the answer has been to distance her self from her family. That means avoiding traditional get-togethers and keeping all contact to a bare minimum. “There’s no point trying to explain to my mother. Not that I haven’t tried. But I’ve realised now that it’s easier and much less painful not to see her at all.”

Removed from the cause of her low self-esteem, the cloud above Carol has gradually, though not completely, disappeared. When something happens that makes her happy, or she catches herself enjoying a special sunset or simply feeling good, she tried to savour the moment and silence the “it won’t last” voices. “If you can literally live in the moment, rather than worrying about the next one, the fear of everything going wrong is easier to handle,” she advises. These negative thoughts that tell us we don’t deserve happiness or success are not only the voices of our parents or our teachers. They are all around. Psychologist Louise Beech explains: “It’s part of the human make-up to find it easier to be negative about someone or something than positive. No-one knows the reason for this, but it’s why we tend to believe the criticisms and not the praise. An actress will read 58 great notices but cry her heart out over the 59th that is mildly critical. In the same way, we all tend to believe our bad critics over our good.”

Positive Thinking
Even the great and good can be afraid that their happiness will be snatched away from them. Talking about his mid-life crisis, which he explored in The Information, author Martin Amis told an interviewer that although the crisis was over, better times bring their own concerns. “Happiness has a very strong misture of paranoia. Beforehand, when you’re struggling and you have worries, it kind of toughens you up. Makes you resilient. You think, They can’t throw anymore at me now. But when you’re happy, you expect a 747 to land on your head or a building to collapse on top of you. Disaster is around every corner,” said the award-winning novelist. So what to do? If, like most people, you accept the randomness of bad luck, then why not accept the good too? Because fortune is indeed random. We can work hard to win that promotion, plum jo or the kind of social life we’ve always wanted. But no matter how hard you try, luck will always play some part. Sometimes it will go against you, but like tossing a coin, it’s equally likely to go your way.

No-one has only bad luck or good. It’s merely a matter of interpretation. Lottery winners might say, “Why me?”, but why not them? Those who think they go through life experiencing nothing but bad luck simply ignore the times when fortune has favoured them. They color their life black, not because it is, but because that’s how they view it It’s familiar and safe. But even if things have always gone wrong, some people manage to stay optimistic. Take Joan, who as a child, grew used to disappointment. “I can’t remember how many times I was promised something that never happened, like going to the theatre, having an overseas holiday, or indeed any kind of holiday. “None of it ever happened because my parents never had any spare money. But I still manage to look forward to things now, long after the experience should have triumphed over anticipation.” However, the disappoinment when something goes wrong is still crushing. “And when something I’ve always looked forward to does come off, I suffer dreadful anti-climaxes afterwards,” Joan adds. “But that’s the price I am prepared to pay to remain an optimist. Even though w rarely got the treats we were promised, at least our parents had their hearts in the right place. They taught us to look forward to the future. Maybe that’s where I get my optimism from.”

Louise Beech has a theory about this apparent contradiction. “Not all aspects of our personality can be explained by reference to childhood experiences. We still don’t know the whole story on what makes a person’s character. Perhaps some of us are born optimists or maybe we inherit this trait. Psychologists used to think everyone was born with a blank slate onto which their upbringing imprinted their personality. We no longer believe that.” That’s brilliant news because it means we’re not prisoners of the way we’ve been told to be, or what we’ve been told will happen. We can always reinvent ourselves the way we’d rather be. And wouldn’t you rather believe you deserve whatever good fortune comes your way than believe you dont’t?

Get Your Hope Back
As well as taking Carol’s advice about living for the moment, you can send your black clouds of doubt packing by doing some simple self-esteem exercises (see 7 ways To Sink Self-Doubt), because believing “It will all go wrong” is a classic sign of low self-esteem. Everyone is entitled to happiness. If life appears to treat you badly, it’s not because you deserve it or that you’ve done anything wrong to bring it about. Events are haphazard and rarely follow any kind of pattern. A spot of what psychologists call cognitive restructuring – I’ll explain in a minute – can turn such negativity around in a flash. All that fancy expression means is, “see things another way”. Interpret events to suit you. So if your roof falls, your boyfriend leaves you and your boss sacks you, don’t shrug and say, “Serves me rightm I’m a failure, I’m gonna go eat worms.” Restructure it and tell yourself: “So I’m going through a rough patch, but I’ll get through this and it will make me stronger because I’m a survivor.” Then, when things do start to go well – and they will, they always do – accept it wholeheartedly instead of peering at the ceiling, wondering when the roof’s gonna cave in again. I can’t promise you that the roof won’t ever cave in …but why spend your life looking upwards waiting for the world to crash about you? None of us can make the Big Foot vanish forever, but why give it more room in your brain that it deserves?

7 Ways To Sink Self-Doubt

» Keep your birthday and Christmas cards. Whenever life cuts up rough, get them out and remember how much you are liked and valued.

» Each morning, tell your bathroom mirror reflection how wonderful and worthy you are. It might seem silly but it does work. This is what psychologists call “affirmation”.

»Write down at least 10 aspects of yourself that you like or find admirable.

» Join forces with a friend and tell each other how special you are.

» When you need some kind of appraisal, say at work, ask for your good points to be given first.We always hear what is said first more clearly. It’ll take the sting out of any criticisms that may follow.

» Give up dieting and take up exercise instead. It works better and releases endorphins into the system; these are the body’s natural opiates and they’re better than any illegal substitutes.

» Try to find something that you can laugh at, at least 10 times a day.

You know her taste in food, fashion and men, but what about her sex life? Admit it, you’ve probably wondered whether her bedroom action sizzles more than yours. So Mars And Venus… Actually decided to find out.

Want to grab everyone’s attention no matter where you are or who you’re with? Talk about sex. It’s the one subject that never fails to fascinate, titillate and intrigue. When Alfred Kinsey published his pioneering report on the sex habits of Americans back in the 1950s, he had no idea what he started. Forty years later, we’re still voraciously devouring every sex statistic we can lay our hands on. And getting a vicarious thrill out of listening to our girlfriends’ revelations about their sex lives after a few glasses of wine on a Friday night. Sex might be commonplace – on our TVs, in papers and magazines, even plastered across billboards along our way to work – but it’ll never be taken for granted. Because sex is powerful. Powerful enough to make kings give up their thrones, married women walk out on their families and the rest of us ditch the nice-but-boring guy-next-door for the bad boy who rides a Harley.

Sensational Sex
Forget being attractive or rich, driving a Porsche, even being thin – the one area we all want to excel in is sex. Because sex is so damn pleasurable. Good sex eats drugs, power – even chocolate! And there are people out there having mind-blowing sex every day of their lives. Is it any wonder what most of us are obsessed with finding out how they do it? In the words of the envious onlooker who watched Meg Ryan faked it in When Harry Met Sally, “I’ll have what she’s having.” There are two types of sex: manufactured sex and real sex. Manufactured sex is what’s dished up on TV, in erotic movies and books. You can get your fill of it just about anywhere, anytime, any place. Real sex is what real people do – and it’s much more of a turn-on because we rarely get to see it. This is why eavesdropping on your neighbours, desperately trying to boost a flagging sex life by having sex on the kitchen table, is so much more interesting than watchig triple X porn.

Sex Gets Real
Says British sexpert Susan Quillam: “Even if we have watched soft-core movies, which attempt to show the real thing, they rarely achieve the actual blend of intense pleasure and intimacy that makes real-life sex so compulsive.” So says sex therapist and clinical psychologist Janet Hall: “There’s a strong drive within us to be the same as everyone else. It’s the need to survive within the pack. It’s easier to survive if we’re like everyone else.”

Sex: What’s normal?
Quilliam believes we all like to measure ourselves against the norm to find our place in the sexual pecking order – particularly at different stages in our lives. What do most of us do if our sex life alters dramatically? Ask our best friend if she’s ever experienced the same. “If our sex life becomes spasmodic, we compare ourselves to ‘Jane’ to see how we’re doing,” says Quilliam. “We may not like the answer, but at least we’ve now placed ourselves in the pecking order.” Another reason we compare: wishful thinking. If our sex life is awful and we suspect it’s got a lot to do with monogamy or age, we want to hear that others out there are still sizzling. If ‘Jane’ is still doing it twice a night then there may still be hope. If she can get it right then maybe, one day, with the right man or the right sex toy, our desire will come flooding back.”

Sex Lies And Tall Tales
Of course, the big question is: will ‘Jane’ tell the truth? Who hasn’t gone home after confessional with “the girls” secretly thinking (or hoping) that the wine let loose imaginations as well as tongues? (And felt guilty for exaggerating ourselves because everyone else’s sex lives sound so interesting…) The trick to telling if someone’s exaggerating or really does have sex with travelling salesman, seems to be how well you know them. According to the experts, we overplay our sexual prowess when we first meet people, out of a desire not to seem inferior. Once we become fast friends, we then overexaggerate how bad things are. “Once the barriers are down and we’re to the point of admitting problems, we can tend to overplay those too because everyone likes to confess,” says Quilliam.

Another dead giveaway of a not-so-hot sex life is silence. “There are two types of women out there,” says Hall. “Those who enjoy sex and those who are still being the good girls. Women who don’t enjoy sex tend to invalidate it and pretend that it’s not important. The ones who get drunk and go into great detail are the ones who are orgasmic. They may be naturally more outrageous anyway – or they may need to get drunk in order to admit that Hey, I enjoy sex. Will you still like me if I say so?” Halls feel strongly that some women who don’t like sex, don’t like – and even pick on – women who do. If the rest of your friends are moaning about hating to give fellatio, it takes a lot of confidence to admit you enjoy it. Never mind if a good sex life is the right of all women and the rest are jealous. No-one enjoys knowing that, the minute her back is turned, someone’s going to say “I knew she was a slut”.

Sex Gets Competitive
The fact is, for a variety of reasons, people tell lies about sex. And anyone looking for truly objective sex advice and information finds that it’s hard to come by. “In the UK,” says Quilliam, “we get our basic information from our parents and occasionally from teachers.” The media, she says, presents an ideal – which we usually find hard to live up to – while friends teach us “how to”: how to kiss, how to flirt, how to make out. The only problem is, our peers tend to suffer from “one-up-personship”. Often they’ll say it was wonderful, when in fact it was awful. Then when we try it and, though embarrassment or lack of knowledge, also find it awful, we think we’re getting it wrong…” While we’re embarrassed to admit to gaping at the couple cuddling in the bar, our enthusiasm knows no bounds when it comes to the sex lives of the rich and famous: we’re positive that the Sharon Stones and Cameron Diazs of the world set the sheets on fire.

“We believe that the image is the reality,” says Quilliam. “In fact, extraordinary sex has to be underpinned by a mixture of emotion, sensitivity, knowledge, imagination and a willingness to learn. There’s no reason why winning an Oscar or being a millionaire makes one any more likely to have these personality traits than being a bus driver.” She’s right, of course. But emotionally, I just can’t imagine Sharon being a dud; or my warm but staid girlfriend Pat bonking on her mum’s washing machine, despite her vivid description. It’s sad but true that even if we do discover what other people do in bed, we don’t believe them anyway.

How Do You Measure Up?

While we’re the first to admit you shouldn’t concern yourself with averages of who does what, where and with whom, we couldn’t resist a peek at the very latest sex stats. Here, compliments of the world’s sex researchers, the facts and figures on men, relationships and all things sexual…

» 75% of men masturbate once a week but only 35% of women join them. Most women masturbate only once a month.

» A study which compared stay-at-home couples with those who party all night long, found those who stayed in had better sex, more often.

»The average penis is 12cm – 15cm long. When American can were asked to estimate the average length, they put it at 25cm; women estimated it at 10cm.

»The official average of 2.5 bonks per week has dropped to less than twice a week. Most Western married or defacto couple have sex just over sex times a month. Men aged 16-24 were the most amorous, clocking up 10 sessions a month. Only women aged 35-44 had sex that often.

» 75% of British women have cheated – and 83% of them aren’t sorry. The Kinsey institute claims 30-40% of married men have affairs, but other researchers claim the figure is much higher.

»56% of Australians have had sex at work – the most popular place is on the boss’ desk.

» 13% of American women aged 18-26 never had an orgasm.

» Most Brits would rather sleep-in, chat with friends or read a good book than have sex. Only one in 10 would bonk more often if they could.

» One-third of German women refuse to have sex after an argument – most “strikes” last three days.

» Toyboys are officially good for you. US doctors found women over 50 with partners more than nine years younger than them were three times less prone to an early death.

»If you want to know how many people your girlfriend’s slept with, multiply what she says by three. English sex expert Dr Colin Francombe claims women only remember significant relationships.